


Witch of ice, Demon of flame

by Topology_no_jutsu



Category: Naruto
Genre: M/M, Magic?!, au!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:55:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 34,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22688086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Topology_no_jutsu/pseuds/Topology_no_jutsu
Summary: In a world where demons walk the earth there's always work for a mercenary guild.  Haku and his mentor Zabuza are two of the best mercs out there, even if they're known for all the collateral damage they cause.  When Haku accidentally bring a demon back to the guild they'll discover something deeper that lurks in their world.
Relationships: Haku/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 7
Kudos: 34





	1. The demon in the mountain

Silently two people waited inside their cell. One an older man, covered in scars and bandages that obscured his face, he paced by the bars. The other, a beautiful young man, simply sat and waited.

“This is bullshit” in a fit of rage the older man slammed the bars. “We’ve been kept in here for days and no one has said shit to us. At least say what the fuck you want before leaving us to die.”

“I’m sure this time when you attack the guard bringing us food he’ll tell us something” the young seemed somewhat used to this situation.

“We didn’t even break any laws, major laws at least, how is being hired for mercenary work worthy of jail time.”

“It’s only been a few days, a few more and someone will have come to collect us from the guild.”

“Yeah well, it’d be nice if they could hurry the hell up” frustrated the older man sat down as well. “It’s us for fucks sake, Zabuza and Haku! I bring in most of the money for the damn guild.”

“And how often have we taken an extra few days after a job because you get us lost?”

“I don’t remember raising you to be such a smart ass.”

Haku just gave him a small smile in reply. The two returned to their silence, left with nothing else to do other than wait for the jailor to drop off their food. After another hour of waiting the sound of approaching footsteps brought Zabuza back to his feet.

“Finally, a could to damn well starve down here!”

“Silence please” rounding the corner of their cell was an older man and three gaurds, all of them without dinner.

Wordlessly Zabuza motioned for Haku to get ready, they clearly wouldn’t be staying here another night. The old man unlocked the gate and motioned for Zabuza.

“You’re free to go.”

“Finally, let’s get our stuff and head back home”Zabuza headed out of the cell, ready for some kind of underhanded attack.

“Not him, just you” two of the guards came into watch Haku.

“If I’m out of here he is too.”

“No, we still require him. You may either leave now, or we can escort you out.”

“Oh yeah old timer? You and what army.”

The guards brandished their clubs at him. Haku braced himself, preparing for the fight that would inevitably break out.

“In exchange for both of your pardons we simply need him to deliver some things on behalf of the town. Due to your actions earlier most of the town has asked you to leave now though.”

“What! That’s bullshit I didn’t do anything to these pricks”

“Since your arrival here there have been ten cases of destruction of property.”

“You think that’s a lot? I can make it a hundred before midnight.”

“Oh just go” Haku spoke up, trying to expedite this process. “I can have this little errand taken care of in no time and I’ll catch up to you.”

“You can’t be serious, you want me to just leave you here?”

“Yes that is exactly what I want, so just head out please.”

“Fine” Zabuza grumbled angrily as he walked towards the cells exit. “But if I don’t see you in six hours I’m coming right the hell back here.”

“Of course you are, just don’t break anything on the way out.”

With some angry muttering and an escort Zabuza was on his way out. This left Haku and the older man alone.

“So, what am I delivering and to where?”

“Right to the point, good” the older man began walking off. “Come with me and don’t dawdle please.”

Getting up from his seat Haku followed the man. They left the small jail he’d been housed in for a few days and went towards the south side of town. He was met by a large covered bowl on a cart.

“If you follow the road and keep a moderate pace you should get there in about an hour.”

“There is what exactly?”

“There’s a cave that opens up on the side of the mountain, bring it in there.”

“Right” Haku had worked with less information in the past, but this still felt strange.

“And try to hurry, don’t want it to get cold.”

With vague instructions and a sort of warning, Haku set off. Pulling the bowl wasn’t very taxing on him, the cart seemed to have been made just for this job. The road was well worn, whatever this delivery was it must happen often. It wasn’t long before Haku could see what he assumed was the mountain, it currently looked like much more of a volcano to him though. Red streams cascaded down it, he was thankful it wasn’t erupting currently.

“Just take deep breaths and it’ll all be fine” forging on he did his best to stay positive. “At least this bowl will stay warm I guess.”

When he reached the base of the mountain the light chill that had been in the air was completely gone. With a quick spell he kept himself cool, hopefully the cart could withstand the heat. The cave was within sight now. Trudging on to the final leg of the journey he climbed the slope. 

“Hello?” as he entered the cave he decided to check for the recipient of this delivery.

As if to reply something flared up deeper in the cave, casting light throughout it. With a deep breath Haku continued in. His cooling spell was beginning to lose effect as the cave became hotter. Just his luck to deliver something into an active volcano. Sweaty and tired Haku followed the cave into this massive chamber. Crossing the threshold only increased the heat, he was now on some platform above the lava. 

“So uh, I’m just gonna leave the bowl here and head out” he called out again. 

In reply a horrible roar came from below as a massive clawed hand came up from the lava. It dug into the wall of the cavern and slowly the rest of this creature's form emerged. Between the heat distorting his vision and his sudden fear of dying, Haku could barely make out its fox-like features. It pointed towards the center of the platform. 

“Uh, alright then” with sweaty hands Haku gripped the cart handles again, on shaky legs he pulled it towards the center.

He barely managed to get it there before his legs gave out, the heat was too much for him now. The final thing he saw before blacking out was a large hand picking up the bowl.

“AH FUCK SHIT FUCK” screaming back to consciousness Haku sprung up as water was poured on him.

“Whew, thought you were dead or something” standing over him holding a now empty bucket was a strange blond man. 

“Where am I and who are you” it was noticeably less unbearably hot now.

“You’re in my home, carved it all by myself thank you very much” the blond man gave a prideful smile. “And most people call me Naruto! Or the giant mountain fox demon, but that doesn’t have the same ring to it in my opinion.”

“You’re, you’re the giant thing that I saw earlier?”

“Unless I’ve been living a lie, you betcha!”

“And you could’ve just, turned the heat off instead of letting me almost die?”

“Ok, this sounds bad I know, but I forgot about that.”

“You forgot that?”

“That the heat can you know, kill people or whatever.”

“How do you forget that!”

“I was hungry!”

Haku looked around, he could see the cart standing roughly where he’d left it, but now the bowl was on the floor. It was uncovered and empty now but the smell was still in the air.

“DID I FUCKING GET HELD IN PRISON AND ALMOST DIE TO BRING YOU RAMEN?”

“YOU WERE IN JAIL?”

“NO YOU DON’T GET TO FOCUS ON THAT PART YOU ALMOST KILLED ME!”

“I SAID I FORGOT!”

“THAT’S NOT SORRY” Haku jabbed him in the chest, causing Naruto to jump back.

“OW” he held a hand over the jab stop as steam rose off him. “WHY ARE YOU SO DAMN COLD!”

“I’M NOT THAT COLD YOU’RE JUST MADE OF FUCKING LAVA!”

“BULLSHIT” to prove his point Naruto grabbed onto Hakus arm, causing a massive amount of steam to erupt from the two of them.

“WHAT THE HELL GET OFF ME” Haku shoved him away, causing two final spurts of steam to come off him.

“STOP TOUCHING ME!”

“YOU TOUCHED ME FIRST!”

The two were now a solid ten feet apart. Haku was able to stand now but thinking about the trip back made his body ache. He eyed the cart and tried to gauge if he’d fit.

“Hey, as a way of apologizing for nearly killing me” Haku shakily hopped onto the cart. “You can wheel me back to town.”

“I can’t go out there!” Naruto fearfully pointed toward the opening on top of the mountain. 

“Why not?”

“I’ll die!”

“If you don’t, I will kill you.”

Hardly a few moments later Naruto was pulling the lounging Haku along the road. Frightfully he kept looking towards the sky.

“It’s not going to fall down on you so relax” Haku had noticed him slowing down to do this.

“Yes it will! It’s why I made that platform over my bed.”

“Well if you go faster you’ll be back home in no time.”

“Right” his voice shook a little as he picked up the pace.

Haku began to doze off, the cart was a surprisingly smooth ride. He knew Zabuza would be much harder to trick into getting a lift home from; so he savored this little treat. At least he did before Naruto screamed in fear and sprinted off the road.

“IT’S FALLING I’M GOING TO DIE” Naruto clung to the side of a tree for dear life, causing smoke to rise up from it.

Haku looked out from under the trees. It looked like it was beginning to lightly drizzle at most. 

“We can just wait it out, it’s not even really raining currently” he tried to use a calm voice to soothe Naruto.

“I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE” it didn’t seem very effective.

“SHUT UP” this snapped Naruto out of his fear induced stupor. “Just sit here and don’t burn the damn forest down. I’ll put something up to stop the rain from falling onto you, but I swear if you keep yelling about dying I will throw you out in the rain. Got it?”

Naruto nodded, slowly inching away from the tree that he’d scorched an outline into. Exasperated Haku traced a circle in the ground around the tree. Taking a deep breath and focusing his magic, a barrier of ice slowly formed up around them. It wasn’t anything too fancy, but it’d stop the rain.

“Are you an ice demon?” Naruto looked at the dome with fascination in his eyes.

“No, don’t be ridiculous” Haku sat down a few feet from him. “I’m just an ice witch.”

“Does that mean I’m not actually a demon but just a giant fox witch?”

“Considering you don’t know what rain is I will not get mad at you for saying something that stupid.”

“Thank you!”

Haku moved closer to the tree to lean on it. He could probably make the walk back from here, but leaving Naruto alone would make him look like an asshole. Now that they were in an enclosed space the heat he gave off was able to build up again, thankfully it wasn’t as intense as before. With the sound of the rain slowly hitting the dome and the comfortable heat Haku slipped back asleep. Naruto sat there staring up at the dome, this was his first time out of the mountain. His biggest fear was bouncing off this dome his new acquaintance had made instead of harming him. After awhile he too was lulled to sleep, thoughts of what the rest of the world could be like swirling inside his head.


	2. This town ain't big enough for two old men, one demon, and two assholes stuck in the middle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wam bam, here we are again

Haku woke up first, the heat had reached the point of no longer being comfortable for him. In the night he’d slipped from his sitting position into a curled up one next to the tree, which left a lot of his body fairly sore. Standing up to stretch he looked at the dome, it’d held up for however long he was out for but was noticeably thinner now. Thankfully the rain was done now so Naruto couldn’t complain about it. Remembering his taxi driver Haku looked over at his still sleeping form. He’d splayed himself out on the ground, and had taken off his clothes. Haku also couldn’t find his clothes that he was definitely wearing last night. 

“For the love of fuck, why are you naked!”

“Ah what who” Naruto jumped up from his sleeping position, still mostly asleep. “I’m not naked your naked!”

“I’m going to count to three, then you can try that again” Haku took a deep breath, having forgotten who he was dealing with. “One. Two. Three.”

Naruto looked himself over, seemingly unconcerned with being nude. He then took a deep breath, and with a face full of exertion somehow willed his clothes back into existence.

“See I’m not naked.”

“Ok. I’m going to ignore how weird that just was, in the future if you’re ever somehow in this situation again try not to become naked.”

Naruto offered a thumbs up as his only reply. Removing the last bit of magic still in the ice dome Haku let it crumble down around them. With a clear sky overhead they returned to the road, this time Haku was just walking alongside the cart. The trip was filled with silence until the town was in sight.

“So are you gonna be doing the ramen run from now on?”

“Not unless they send a job for it.”

“Oh” Naruto sounded hurt for some reason. “Nevermind then.”

“Nevermind what?”

“If you were gonna be doing them again, I was gonna ask if we could go out again.”

Haku stopped. He was pretty sure Naruto hadn’t meant that the way it came off, but he had also seen him naked earlier. He’d have to be careful here just in case, Haku wasn’t sure how a fox demon would take rejection.

“Cause this is the first time I’ve seen anything outside of my cave” oh thank fuck he meant it like that. 

“Well, if they send for me I think I can make that happen” Haku felt pretty confident they would never send for their guild again after Zabuza.

“Really?” he bounces back very fast.

“Really.”

With Narutos mood being boosted through the roof; the final leg of their walk had a surprisingly nice energy. Reaching the gate that old man was waiting for the two of them, with a chained up Zabuza. 

“Ramen guy!” Naruto bounded over to the old man, ditching the cart for speed.

“Naruto?” Ramen guy seemed surprised to see him here, even more so to be tackled by Naruto here.

“So, how’d they ramage go” Haku just left those two to their dogpile and went over to Zabuza.

“How does it look?” his hand and feet were barred with chains held by nearby guards. “Where’d that guy come from?”

“It’s a weird story.”

“Nevermind then.”

“Naruto it’s great to see you, but you should not be out here” the two were back on their feet now.

“But thanks to Haku the sky can’t hurt me!” he still didn’t understand what rain was.

“I need you to go back now Naruto, right now.”

“I just got here though” the sad puppy voice was back. “Can I meet everyone in the village? You’ve told me about them all and I wanna know more!”

“Well well well, Teuchi who might this young man be?” another old man was on the scene now.

“This is Naruto” Teuchi, who does have a name apparently, flicked his eyes to Haku quickly. “He’s with the guild members here Hiruzen, and they were just about to leave. Isn’t that right?”

“That’s not-” Naruto began to speak up.

“Yup” Haku quickly moved over, wrapped his hand in a piece of cloth, and yanked Naruto back towards Zabuza. “We were just about to leave, and once again apologize for the unacceptable behavior of our member here.”

Even with the small protective layer Hakus could feel the intense heat from Naruto. They had to get moving now before this sudden jig was up. With his free hand he grabbed one of the chains on Zabuza.

“Hm, I thought the report only said there were two mercenaries?” 

“I requested for backup to bring Zabuza back, since he’s quite the handful” discreetly Haku kicked him in the leg.

“YEAH FUCK YOU OLD MAN, FUCK YOU STUPID TOWN FUCK YOUR COPS, FUCK THAT GUY” on cue Zabuza began making one of his many practiced uproars. “YEAH YOU HEARD ME GUY, FUCK YOU.”

“Well then, that’s a perfectly logical explanation, thank you for taking this precaution” Teuchi was doing his best to expedite them leaving now. “Have a safe trip back.”

“Thank you, and um, feel free to reach out to the guild for compensation for any claims” Haku took the other chain and turned his back to Hiruzen and Teuchi, it’d luckily taken this long for his hand to catch on fire.

“We will certainly send an invoice” Hiruzen watched them leave, his eyes locked to the back of Naruto.

As quickly as he could Haku dragged his companions to the other end of town. Luckily Zabuza drew most people's attention with his yelling. Once they were safely out of town he dropped the act.

“So as much as I hate to ask” Zabuza rubbed his newly freed wrists. “What’s the weird story from earlier.”

“Naruto is” Haku paused, trying to think of a good wording for this. “A giant lava fox demon.”

“Oh, that’s not so bad.”

“Really?” Naruto walked right into this.

“NO IT’S INCREDIBLY BAD” well at least the road was empty. “HAKU WHY THE HELL DID YOU BRING A LAVA FOX DEMON WITH US?”

“I DON’T KNOW I PANICKED AND THE RAMEN GUY MADE IT SEEM LIKE A GOOD IDEA!” Haku knew this was a shit situation for all of them.

“Ok, Naruto” Zabuza turned to the blond man. “You gotta go.”

“Go where?”

“I don’t know and I don’t care, but WE” he gestured to Haku and himself. “Cannot bring you back to the guild.”

“You can just back to your nice little volcano nest” Haku wanted to try and calm things down in case something set Naruto into large demon mode. “If you just stick to the off roads no one from town will find you. Probably.”

“But Ramen guy”

“Not to be rude to the dear Ramen guy, but we are past taking advice from someone called Ramen guy.”

“From what I can tell he’s one of the now three people Naruto knows.”

“No, he only knows him we are going back to the guild and he’s going back home. This is a situation that will blow up on us.”

“Sidebar” Haku pulled Zabuza to the side. “We can’t just ditch him!”

“Yes! Yes we can!”

“He’s literally alone right now, and stupid as hell. Plus if it rains he’ll die!”

“Sure sucks for him, but right now we have to get back to the guild; and then I have to kill the messenger that sends the invoice from this town.”

“Think about how useful a lava demon that’s our friend could be?”

“Oh yeah after we get hung for harboring what is possibly the most dangerous thing for miles? Hard pass.”

“Look. This is kind of my fault and I feel g-word about it.”

“Not g-word, Haku what was the first damn rule we made.”

“I know ok, but this is my fault and I feel bad for him.”

“No, I’m not buying that, you don’t feel guilty for the ten fruit stalls I wrecked. What else is there?”

Haku pressed his lips into a line and looked down. He wasn’t proud of it.

“DID YOU FUCK THE FOX DEMON?” Zabuza yelled and pointed at Naruto.

“NO!” Hakus pale skin flushed bright red at this accusation.

“DID YOU FUCK HAKU?” he marched over and jabbed Naruto in the chest with a finger. “FUCK.”

Zabuza had just royally burned his finger on Naruto. Naruto stood frozen in fear at the man who was now sucking on his wound while glaring.

“Zabuza, I will kill you if you yell about me having sex with Naruto, WHICH I DID NOT, again.”

“Fine.”

“Naruto, I don’t know what the hell is going on, but you’re coming with us apparently.”

“Uh” Naruto was still watching Zabuza. “Ok.”

“Rule number one: Don’t touch anything flammable” they had their work cut out for themselves.

“Got it.”

“Really?”

“Nope. What’s flammable?”

They, really, had their work cut out for them.


	3. For the last time, he's not my boyfriend!

“Ok, so I’m Naruto. I’m Zabuzas brothers nephews sisters cousins uncles adopted brothers twice removed step cousin.”

“Yes perfect!” Haku had spent three hours plotting out this fake family tree, he was most certainly not doing good.

“Not to rain on your parade hours late, but I’m an only child. Also I’m an orphan.”

“YOU COULDN’T HAVE TOLD ME THAT WHEN I STARTED ALL THIS?”

“You just had so much momentum I didn’t have the heart to stop it.”

“So I’m not Naruto, Zabuzas brothers nephews sisters cousins -”

“NO YOU APPARENTLY AREN’T THAT” Haku had officially flipped his lid dealing with all this. “What the FUCK are we going to tell everyone in the guild?”

“This is Naruto, he likes ramen” Zabuza clearly didn’t care either way. “He’s your fox demon boyfriend, you come up with the lies to hide that.”

“We are not dating!” to add to the list of things driving him insane, Zabuza would not drop that. “And so help me, if I go down I will drag you down with me.”

“Look, I promise you no one is going to give a shit that we show up with him.”

“How do you know that!”

“Cause I just showed up with you one day and no one cared! We’re mercs! You want them to care, pay them!”

“I find that impossible that no one cared when you showed up with an ice witch.”

“Well when we get there we can try my plan and if it doesn’t work you can spew some nonsense.”

“But I am Naruto still?” he’d exhausted most of his brain memorizing the last lie.

“Yes Naruto, you’re still Naruto.”

The journey back had been unnecessarily long, thanks to the poor navigation of Zabuza. Haku spent the extra time coming up with various explanations for who Naruto was. He finally settled on Naruto being a disgraced son of a far away noble who’d lived a very sheltered life. Finally after almost all possible routes had been taken, the guild hall was in sight. Zabuza kicked open the main door and walked in, Haku and Naruto following after him.

“This is uh, Naruto, he’s new” Zabuza gestured to the blond man.

“Where do you find all these random people Zabuza?” a large blue man was the only person to even seem to notice their entrance.

“Big words from you, how’s your random teenager doing? Did you forget to water him Kisame?”

“Fair enough” Kisame toasted over at them and resumed doing whatever the hell he’d been doing.

“I can’t believe it” Haku was in disbelief.

“See, no one gives a shit.”

“No, I mean. You were right about something.”

“Oh shut up smart ass” Zabuza gave him a whap on the head. “Give your little boyfriend a tour while I handle our paperwork.”

“I know where you sleep and I will freeze your ass” Haku glared at him as he walked off.

“So I’m not your boyfriend?” Narutos tone was filled with the naivety Haku had come to expect. “Am I just your boy?”

“Please don’t say that, it’s somehow worse. Just follow me and don’t worry about it.”

The tour was fairly simple. There was the main hall they’d entered through, the armory, stables, and lastly their place. It’d taken them a little over a year to get the money together, but having a house instead of staying in the guild housing was a life changer. It was also made of wood.

“Ok, our first mission is going to be finding somewhere you can stay” Haku hadn’t that through. 

“Why can’t I stay here?” Naruto had clearly forgotten item one on their flammable items list.

“What’s this house made of?”

“I wanna say…. Rocks?”

“Nope.”

“Then it could be anything how am I supposed to know?”

“It’s made of wood. Like trees but cut down.”

“So…”

“So if you touch it, it will light on fire.”

“Right. Flambable.”

“Close enough” Haku let out a sigh, he’d been doing that a lot more since he’d met Naruto. “There might be some rocks or something you can sleep on nearby.”

“What was wrong with the bed we saw earlier?”

“We didn’t see any beds earlier.”

“In the one place. With the guy, and the uh, pointy things?”

“The armory?” he still had no idea what, oh. “You think no one will find it weird to see you sleeping in the forge?”

“Well, it’s there. Why would you make a bed no one can sleep in? What kind of backwards world have you brought me to?”

“Just because it has molten rock in it, does not make it a bed. Remember, not everyone here has a natural temperature in the thousands.”

“So.”

“So no you can’t sleep there. Just come with me, I know someone who can help us find you some rocks.”

Haku led Naruto through guild quarters. It was easy enough to find who he wanted, no one else kept their bunk, as well as all nearby bunks, this clean.

“Neji, buddy, hey” Haku tried to sound as friendly as possible to his currently ex-boyfriend.

“Oh, I didn’t see you, or your new boyfriend, there” Neji leveled an icy look at them both.

“Ok first of all, he’s not my boyfriend, he just happens to be a guy I know” Haku would have to hunt down everyone who’d been in the main hall earlier. “Secondly, any chance you want to do me a huge huge huge favor?”

“No.”

“Please.”

“When you put it like that, no.”

“Ok so we are boyfriends?” Naruto opened his mouth and immediately had two sets of eyes glaring at him.

“No, we are, friends, who both just happen to be boys.”

“What’s the difference?” this earned a burst of laughter from Neji.

“Oh you sure know how to pick your rebounds” he smirked at Haku. “But since your new boytoy has amused me, what do you want.”

“Can you use those special eyes of yours and find me a nice sized rockpile” Haku added Neji to his list of gossips to kill later.

“I can, I suppose, waste my time on such a task” he closed his eyes for a second before the veins around them flared up.

“Is he ok?” Naruto whispered this question.

“No, he’s a bitch” Haku fake whispered this.

“Well this bitch just found your rockpile, it’ll be by the windmill. You’re welcome.”

“Thank-”

“We don’t thank bitches Naruto” Haku cut him off, making eye contact with Neji.

“I’ll remember that when you come crawling back to me.”

With a final mean look, Haku and Naruto left. The windmill was only a ten minute walk from the quarters, finding the rocks Neji mentioned took another twenty. They were a good distance away from any road or guild resident, perfect for Naruto.

“I’ll see about getting someone who can mold the rocks to give you a nicer shelter, but for now this is your new home.”

“But it’s so far from everything” Naruto was rather obviously unhappy with this.

“Good, considering you sleep naked, and are made of lava, and are a demon.”

“What if the sky starts to fall?”

“If it starts to rain, which is what that is, I will come here and make a cover for you.”

Naruto tried to get comfortable sitting against the largest rock. He made no attempt to hide his feelings as his mouth turned into a frown. Haku admittedly felt bad for him; he’d literally been forced out his home with no explanation and now was being made to sleep on some rocks. He sighed again, he had to stop feeling bad for Naruto.

“I’ll stay over here with you, for tonight” he already regretted it as he said it.

“Really!” Naruto instantly perked up.

“Yes, really. First though, I’m going to get some things, so just please wait here.”

“Alright, but if you don’t come back I’ll go find you” that was possibly the worst threat, as well as the most dangerous one.

“I promise I’ll be back, just please avoid doing anything disastrous while I’m gone.”

“Can do!”

With that agreement made Haku went back to his home. The light inside meant Zabuza was back now as well. 

“You ditch that guy already?” Zabuza was cooking up something in the kitchen. “I’ll write this in as you new record for fastest break up.”

“I found him somewhere to sleep that won’t burn down overnight” Haku poked around the cabinets for ingredients of his own. “And for the record, I did once dump Neji within the hour.”

“And I didn’t hear about it? The rumor mill is off it’s ball.”

Haku waited for him to finish up cooking his meal, it was just some kind of fried fish so it didn’t take too long. With the kitchen opened to him, he got to work. He only sort of knew how to make ramen, but how picky could Naruto really be? Once that was all finished up he set up two containers to take back.

“See this is why people are saying he’s your boyfriend, you don’t cook for me” Zabuza had put two and two together about the meal Haku had cooked.

“This is why you’re telling everyone he’s my boyfriend? I find that hard to believe.”

“In all seriousness” Zabuza put a hand on his shoulder. “First chance we find to drop him in some volcano or something, we’re gonna have to take it. Don’t get attached to him.”

“He is a person you know” Haku bristled at the way Zabuza talked about him. “He’s like us, no family, now no home. Don’t talk about him like he’s a stray animal we picked up.”

“It’s because he’s like us I’m saying this. We’ve got the advantage of at least being humans, but he won’t get that benefit of the doubt if people find out.”

“I know” Haku hated that he was right once again.

“But for now, go have not sex with your lava demon boyfriend on some rocks or whatever.”

“You sure know how to just ruin the moment.”

“It’s like page four of my guide to raising a kid book” with that Zabuza headed off to his room.

Haku rolled his eyes and continued packaging the food up. Once he’d made a basket to carry them over in he went and got a sleeping bag from his room. With everything all ready to go he set off, the night air now cool on against his face. He knew he was close when that cool sensation slowly faded, a few moments later and he was back in the clearing. The moons light came down in small rays, offering a mediocre light for him to see by. Naruto was leaning on the rock still, just looking at the world around him.

“I know I said to wait here, but you could’ve moved around if you wanted to” Haku used a joke to push of thoughts of what Zabuza had said. 

“I thought about it, but I didn’t want to miss all this” he gestured at the trees around him.

“Well, I hope you can watch and eat at the same time” he pulled out the two containers from the basket. “And I swear if you complain about my cooking I’ll beat the shit out of you so fast.”

“You cooked ramen for me?” he seemed so caught off guard by that he ignored the threat.

“Think of it as a welcome gift, and don’t expect it all the time” Haku handed him a bowl and spoon before sitting down with his own a few feet away.

“Thank” Naruto was trying to talk while inhaling his ramen. “You.”

“I’ll let Zabuza teach you table manners” Haku chuckled at his antics before eating his own food.

Once Naruto finished devouring his bowl he leaned back against the rock, his gaze going skyward. Haku followed suit, after taking a healthy amount of time to eat his own food. The rock had been heated up from Naruto leaning against it, thankfully for Haku it was a soothing heat. The two were doon lulled to sleep by the sounds of the forest around them.


	4. Terrible exes

Haku was woken up by the morning sun as it crested the treeline, and gentle songs of the nearby nested birds. He then had to spend a few minutes cracking all of his sore bones and joints from sleeping against a rock. Once his body was back in sorts Haku rose to his feet and turned to Naruto. Who was once again naked. Naruto was still curled up in the small pile of rocks he’d assembled as a bed, he somehow looked incredibly comfortable. Since he was still asleep, Haku took it upon himself to wake him up. Unfortunately for Naruto, there was a stream only a few hundred feet away. 

“AA” Naruto jumped from his prone position having just been splashed with cold water.

Just like before as Naruto became conscious clothes materialized around his body. As far as Haku could tell Naruto didn’t even seem to be aware of his disappearing outfit, or the trouble it was absolutely going to cause.

“Why would you pour water on me!”

“You were still asleep and it looks bad if someone finds a naked man sleeping in the forest.”

“But why use water?”

“Have you ever taken a bath before?”

“A what?”

“Thought so, hold still” Haku sloshed more of the water onto him, earning another yelp.

“CUT IT OUT” Naruto had jumped on top of his sleep rock.

“Not till you’re all cleaned up, so come down here and hold still.”

“NO!”

“You being like four feet off the ground won’t stop me from sloshing you with water” Haku used a bit of magic to make the water begin to float upwards.

Narutos mouth twisted into a frown as he stared down the rising water. As it rushed towards him he leapt over it, spinning in the air to make sure he avoided it all. Thanks to his quick reaction he did dodge all the water, he also leapt right off his rock. Haku watched in slow motion as he leapt and spun, his face filling with fear as Naruto came flying right towards him. For a moment there was silence, then the sound of the water splashing back to the ground, and finally loud screaming followed by a crash. The two tumbled across the ground, carried on by Narutos momentum. When they finally came to a halt Haku was on top of Naruto, their faces a few inches apart. Haku did his best to minimize any skin to skin contact to avoid getting burned.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAA” Naruto was still screaming.

“CUT IT OUT” Haku winced as he used a hand to cover Narutos mouth, steaming hitting his face from the contact.

The sound of the muffled scream at the very least wasn’t loud enough to fill the clearing. Haku did his best to keep his hand in place despite the pain and waves of steam hitting his face. Naruto slowly calmed, allowing Haku to untangle their legs and roll off him finally. 

“I think” Haku took slow breaths and held his now burned hand to his chest. “I will not be sleeping out here with you again.”

“Yeah” Narutos voice was now hoarse from screaming for a few minutes straight.

The two laid there catching their breath for a short while. Haku had a plan for the day, but he was coming out of the gate injured now. Once his hand stopped being a constant pain he got to his feet once more, motioning for Naruto to follow him.

“Well, since I’m not in the mood to deal with the heat now, Zabuza will have to chaperone you to the fire witches. I’ll be in the library, please don’t make anyone come running for me.”

“I’ll uh, try” Naruto sheepishly made this promise.

“Good enough I guess.”

The two made their way back to the house, smoke coming from the oven pipe meant Zabuza was up. Haku carried the bowls from yesterday back in an prepped his begging.

“You look like you had a fun night” right out of the gate from Zabuza.

“Not as fun as the day you could-”

“Nope.”

“Just think abo-”

“No way.”

“Please.”

“Not a chance in hell.”

“If I do the dishes for a week?”

“Nope.”

“A month?”

“Maybe.”

“Two months. Final offer.”

“Alright where am I taking your little bf?” Zabuza stuffed the rest of his meal in his mouth.

“I just need you to bring him to the fire witches” Haku already had his agreement to do this. “And keep an eye on him.”

“Can I do literally anything else instead?”

“You could go read books in the library about demons?”

“You’re the worst” with a sigh Zabuza got up. “Anything he breaks is on you.”

“I know I know” Haku rolled his eyes as Zabuza left.

Left alone Haku prepared his own breakfast. As he cooked Haku thought up a mental list of things to look up, there was no reason to be discreet since almost no one went to the library. 

“Spells to stop him from burning anything he touches” he began to think out loud now. “A spell to keep his clothes on him. I can probably just steal any books on fire demons, or if they have fire fox demons. Closest volcanoes, active or dormant should work.”

His musing stopped as he sat down to eat. So long as Zabuza kept everything under control on his end today would be a walk in the park. Knowing that that would never happen he estimated there would be at most three hours before something went wrong. Quickly chomping down the last of his meal he set off, no time to spare.

“Welcome to the guild library, anything I can help you with?” Iruka, the more attentive of the librarians was in today.

“Just uh, general demonolgy stuff” Haku had hoped for Shizune, she was more of a pushover.

“Hm” Iruka scanned some ledgers at his desk. “There should be something over in the back corner.”

“Cool cool, anything about volcanoes?”

“You’re looking for a book that’s just about volcanoes?”

“Yeah the last mission I was on was by one, and it turns out I know squat about those darn things.”

“Right” Iruka didn’t seem too suspicious of him. “We’ve, surprisingly, got a few books on volcanology in our geology section.”

“Which is where?”

“Second floor to the right.”

“Thanks” Haku headed to the back corner first.

There was all of four books on the subject. Considering how uncommon it was to encounter a demon and survive it made sense. Haku skimmed through each book before landing on a picture that was too familiar to him. According to whoever drew this picture, fox demons were big. He’d seen Naruto in this form, but he wasn’t the size of a mountain. From what little the book had on the topic they were dangerous and very rare, usually only appearing once every decade. Haku considered adding the fact they live inside volcanoes to the book, but figured that could be kept a secret for now.

“Well look who knows how to read” Neji had for some reason arrived in this little library corner.

“Oh because you’re so cultured?” Haku stuffed the book back on the shelf and spun around.

“I am, isn’t that” he turned to call someone who wasn’t there. “Dammit, Lee, come here!”

“Sure thing!” Lee flipped over some nearby bookshelves and entered the scene with a bright smile.

“Like I was saying, isn’t that right Lee, my new boyfriend” Neji made direct eye contact with Haku as he said that.

“Yup!”

“Oh so you and him are here on a little book date?” Haku got the himbo vibe from Lee in spades.

“As a matter of fact we are.”

“Yup!”

“Right. Well I’ll be on my way out, wouldn’t want to disturb the loving couple.”

“Oh don’t be so ridiculous. I’m sure we could deign to have a double book date with you and your new boyfriend.”

“Well when I get one I’ll take you up on that offer” Haku began to try and move past them only for Neji to block him.

“Oh really? Don’t bullshit me I saw you with that bimbo.”

“So you went and got your own?” he looked at Lee who was now just absentmindedly doing pushups.

“Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t. The fact still stands my himbo is better than yours.”

“Well, like I’ve been telling everyone else, I am not dating him. So sure, by default your himbo is better.”

“No, none of that by default bullshit, just admit you’re dating him and then admit then Lee is better.”

“I will not.”

“Do it.”

“No.”

“Admit!”

“Can you sit on my back for extra resistance?” Lee spoke up from his one handed pushups.

“Of course I can babe” Neji neatly sat on his back while staring right at Haku. “Admit it.”

“I’ll admit that is impressive as hell” he clearly had those gains. “But still, I’m not dating Naruto.”

“Really. Then where exactly were you last night?”

“Did you fucking spy on me?”

“That’s not the question at hand, the question is: Did you or did you not share a tender moment with him by sleeping near each other in the woods?”

“Neji, as your most attractive ex” he nodded in agreement. “I will warn you now, spy on me again and I’ll gouge your eyes out.”

“I’m not hearing a no to the question, Lee did you hear him say no?”

“Nope!”

“Fine, yes we slept out in the woods, a whole five feet apart. Very romantic and tender.”

“The whole time?”

“Yes the whole time!”

“Haku, don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not lying.”

“I can tell when you’re lying, and since it’s in the past, I did also spy on you this morning as well. You two weren’t exactly five feet apart.”

“You know, this is why I dumped you” Haku stormed off.

“I DUMPED YOU!” 

Haku sighed once he was out of the library. Now there was going to be rumors of him fucking in the woods like some kind of animal. Having learned literally nothing new he went back home.

“How was them books?” Zabuza was sitting in his chair.

“Terrible.”

“If it makes you feel better, the fire witches love our weird little demon.”

“Is he still with them?”

“Yup. Took to them like a fish to water, some could say he’s the greatest of our generation.”

“You ditched him literally the first chance you could.”

“Oh before then actually, just dropped him off there and left. Since no one has returned him I can only assume my lies are true.”

“Well I’m gonna go check on that disaster waiting to happen. Thanks for nothing.”

“Anytime!”

Having been home for barely a few minutes Haku left once again. The fire witches usually hung out by the lake so they were easy to find. So far no massive disasters in sight.

“Oh hey it’s Haku” Deidara, his least favorite of the fire witches, pointed him out.

“Haku!” Naruto excitedly came over to see him, meaning everything had gone shockingly well.

“Well, funny to you see around here” Haku sighed, it was just his luck this guy would be here.

“Yeah yeah, blow whatever it is you’ve got to say out of your ass Sasuke.”

“It’s loving words like these that make visit at all” Sasuke Uchiha, probably the strongest fire user around, and another of Hakus awful exes.


	5. Soup!

Haku could firmly claim to really hate one person, well one living person. The only thing worse than dating Sasuke was the fact that he’d dumped Haku. His social status never really recovered from that. If Itachi wouldn’t be such a dick and fuck him once for the clout it would be fine, but here Haku was.

“So this is your boyfriend Naruto?” he’d somehow even heard about that.

“Yeah!” 

“Naruto, what did we talk about earlier?” Haku could tell it was too late for damage control.

“Something about how we’re friends, and boys, so boyfriends?”

“You can really feel the gears turning when he talks.”

“Anyways, Naruto this is Sasuke, much like Neji I dated him and he’s awful. Sasuke, this is Naruto, I am not dating him.”

“I’m Deidara.”

“Shut up.” Sasuke and Haku spoke in unison.

After a few silent moments of exchanged glares Haku remembered why he’d come here. Worse, he realized he might actually need Sasukes help.

“So, you do fire stuff” Haku tried to transition this to an asking for help conversation.

“I do” Sasuke folded his arms over his chest.

“I assume you’ve figured out that Naruto does fire stuff.”

“I have.”

“And since you too clearly get along famously.”

“We don’t.”

“You could teach him how to be better at fire stuff.”

“I see” Sasuke nodded. “Sure.”

“Now I can sweeten the” Haku paused, caught off guard. “Wait, seriously?”

“Yeah, I think it could be fun.”

Haku narrowed his eyes at Sasuke. He’d never do something for free, least of all deal with some idiot.

“And you want nothing in return?”

“I wouldn’t say nothing” there’s always at least one catach with him. “You’ll just owe me one.”

“One what?”

“One favor of equal or greater value.”

“Great” Haku knew whatever favor Sasuke would want was going to be terrible.

He looked to Naruto, as of right now he didn’t stand a chance in hell surviving on his own. Haku didn’t like it, but for his sake he’d have to do it.

“Fine, you have a deal.”

“Excellent” Sasuke smirked, filling Haku with a sense of dread. “We can start training for real tomorrow.”

“So, Sasuke’s my boyfriend now too?” Naruto had somehow gotten that from this exchange.

“No, no one is your boyfriend Naruto” Haku was gonna get him to learn what that meant one day.

“Oh, we’ll see” Sasuke winked at them both before leaving.

Haku grated his teeth, pretty much every interaction he had with Sasuke left him pissed. Naruto was left feeling pretty lost about all of what was going on.

“Come on, let’s get you back to your rock” regaining some composure Haku decided he needed some rest.

“Alright, but this isn’t some trick to dump water on me right?” surprisingly Naruto hadn’t forgotten about the morning.

“No, it’s not a trick. I’ll figure out some other way to get you cleaned up to spare us both that ordeal.”

The two walked in silence, Haku was mentally exhausted from dealing with his two least favorite exes back to back. He was also dreading having to read more of those books he stole. When they were about half-way to the windmill Haku realized he’d forgotten the books.

“Fuck” he stopped and turned around. “Just head on back alone I have to get something.”

“Oh, uh” Naruto stopped as well. “Can I just go with you?”

“Why?”

“I’m not really tired yet and don’t wanna just sit alone.”

Haku now realized it wasn’t even late, he’d just become fed up with the events of the day. His conscience wouldn’t let him just leave Naruto alone for hours either.

“Ok, but I need you to wait where I tell you to, since it’s a place full of paper.”

“Right, and paper burns” Naruto said it a little hesitantly watching Hakus face for a reaction.

“Very good, yes paper burns.”

“Nice!”

Narutos small celebration helped boost Hakus mood. He might be an idiot, but Naruto was slowly understanding things. The two set off towards the library, Haku was hoping for a quick in and out job. The two stopped a little ways off from the door.

“Ok, just wait here and try not to destroy anything.”

“Got it” Naruto strapped in to stand perfectly still.

With a thumbs up Haku headed towards the door. He was greeted by the sight of Irukas card castle. The librarian jumped at the sound of the door opening, knocking the castle over.

“Oh come on” he frowned as he picked up the cards. “Haku? You’re here twice in the same day, everything alright?”

“No I’m pretty sure I left my favorite knife here when Neji made me leave” Haku figured Iruka wouldn’t care enough to question that lie.

“Why did you bring a knife to the library?”

“Just in case, I like to be prepared ok!”

“Fine fine, go take a look.”

Haku went back to the demonology section, taking the book that talked about fox demons. Peeking over at Iruka to make sure he was distracted, he was rebuilding the castle, Haku snuck over to the geology section. 

“Wait, I don’t need these” Haku realized he actually needed a map. 

Sneaking over to the geography section he grabbed the newest map, assuming it would list at least one volcano. With the stolen book and map stashed on his person he headed back to the door.

“Well it looks like it’s not here either” he feigned disappointment. “Thanks for letting me look.”

“Sure thing, but you know you can just check the books out right?” how Iruka always knew was a mystery to Haku.

“Fine, I’ll check the books out” Haku put them on the counter.

“Like, that is one of the primary functions of a library” Iruka began the library lecture.

“Blah blah, here to spread knowledge to willing learners, blah blah free to the public, blah blah books” Haku had heard this fairly often. “Just sign them out to me I know the drill.”

“Fine.”

Having expedited the lecture Haku took his now officially library lended materials and left. He found Naruto exactly where he’d left him to no surprise, he was quite good at staying still.

“Right, got my books, let's go get some food” it wasn’t too late in the day yet, but Haku was a little hungry.

“Oh ok, food two days in a row!” Narutos excitement confused Haku.

“How often do you normally eat?” he hadn’t paid too much attention on the road, but he assumed Naruto ate then.

“Uh, like twice.”

“Twice… ever?”

“No no, you know, twice within the big ball cycle.”

“The big ball cycle?” Haku couldn’t tell if Naruto was intentionally being obtuse now.

“The big thing in the sky, it shows up at night and changes around pretty often.”

“The moon?”

“Uh, the big ball?”

“Not that one right?” Haku pointed at the sun.

“Nope, that’s the big bright ball.”

“Ok, then yes. You mean the moon.”

“If you say so, but I call it the big ball.”

“Ok, so you eat twice between it being full and being dark?” Haku was slowly piecing this mystery together.

“Yup!”

“And you don’t get hungry?”

“Only if the ramen doesn’t come by soon enough.”

“Right, then you turn into a big demon, well, we all eat daily here.”

“I won’t say no to ramen everyday!”

“Uh, how can I put this” Haku wasn’t sure how he’d take this news. “We don’t eat ramen everyday.”

“What.”

“Usually we mix it up and eat different foods.”

“What.”

“Like uh, soup? That’s kinda like ramen.”

“What” Haku had broken him.

“Just um, follow me” he wasn’t prepared for this outcome.

The two went off towards the great hall, Naruto still repeating “What” every few moments. Haku had him wait outside again, just in case the shock of all the other food types put him in a coma. 

“Can I get uh, your most ramen like dish?” Haku didn’t know what it would be since he rarely ate here.

“Soup?”

“Uh, I guess?”

“Anything else or just soup?”

“What else do you have?”

“Soup.”

“Then, why did you ask if I wanted anything else?”

“I dunno I just work here, two soups coming up.”

Haku was not mentally ready to deal with that exchange and sat down, he’d had a weird day. At the very least everything he’d wanted to do today was a success, all he needed now was somewhere to drop Naruto off.

“Here’s your soups” the weird soup chef held up two sealed bowls.

“Thanks” Haku paid and left with the soup, prepared for Naruto to possibly die from eating it.

“What” he was still doing it.

“Ok, just trust me and eat this” Haku took the lid off and handed him the bowl of soup.

“What, what is it?”

“Soup.”

With a grimace Naruto brought the bowl to his mouth, Haku didn’t give him a spoon. He began slurping it down, his expression remaining pained. Finally, when he’d somehow swallowed it all, he dropped the bowl.

“Well?”

“I hate it.”

“But, you feel full of food now right?”

“I, I guess? Is all food this awful?”

“I don’t know, it’s a personal taste thing. I think we can find you something else other than ramen that you’ll like.”

“Maybe, I can just never eat again” Naruto was deeply shook by this experience.

“Hm, no” Haku gave him a small pat on the back, careful not to hurt either of them. “Come on, let’s get you back to the rock.”


	6. He's taking a bath one way or another

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment about how this came later than i wanted and i'm sorry!

Haku had spent the better part of the week working on a way to clean Naruto. It had for the most part resulted in total failure. Thankfully Sasuke had actually kept up his end of the deal, which kept Naruto occupied for Haku to think up new schemes for this.

“Ok so hear me out” he was currently running through one with Zabuza. “I put the bowl of ramen on one side of a room, but there’s no floor. It’s just one big bath, he’ll have to go into it to get the ramen.”

“What if he just goes to get his own ramen?”

“I’ve explicitly made sure he has no idea how to get his own food.”

“Haku. Take a step back. Look at where you are and the steps that got you here.”

“He would literally burn this whole place to the ground if he tried to get his own food.”

“Ok, maybe I said that too soon, but I’m sure somewhere in here it’s necessary to say it.”

“This plan is flawless, admit it.”

“Simply because you cannot find a flaw in it does not make something flawless.”

“What the fuck?” Haku was broken from this scheming by that oddly deep comment. 

“Hm, that does work.”

“You just said something that was wise? Give me more wise words!”

“Nope, you get that one and you’ll fucking deal with it” this was more of the normal Zabuza talk.

“Keep your secrets then” Haku returned to his carefully made illustration of a pool and ramen. 

“Why do you care if he takes a bath or not exactly?”

“Because of you telling everyone he’s my boyfriend. Do you know the social ramifications of being the rumored boyfriend of someone who doesn’t bathe?”

“I’m sure glad to say, I do not.”

“It’s bad. Do you think Rock Lee bathes? Yes, he does! Do you know what Neji will say to me if his idiot boyfriend bathes and Naruto doesn’t?”

“Somehow I miss the old days, where people just tried to kill each other instead of whatever the hell you all are doing.”

“I’d prefer that! I’d cut Neji down in a heartbeat.”

“Damn right” Zabuza pulled up a small notepad he had. “If my boy loses to a, uh, twink? He’s not welcome here!”

“The confidence boost of you implying I’m not a twink is indescribable.”

“Still not sure what a twink is, but the example I have written down is Neji.”

“Thank you for this” Zabuza attempting to use the same language as Haku was a great gift.

With the planning stage of the operation finished Haku set out to begin creating the ultimate bath. First he needed someone with earth magic and who wouldn’t ask too many questions. It was gonna be a little costly, but Kakuzu didn’t have loose lips.

“What do you fucking want” the grumpy sort of immortal man glowered at Haku.

“Need help making a ditch” Haku punctuated the request by dropping a coin bag on the table.

“Ok, I’m intrigued” Kakuzu eyed the bag. “How big.”

“Like ten by ten.”

“I’m not sure-”

Haku interrupted him by dropping another coin bag down.

“Let’s see the spot you’ve picked out for this ditch then.”

With the practiced ease of someone who kills people using earth magic for a living, Kakuzu dug the ditch for Haku. Dug being used sort of loosely here, he basically just told the ground that was there to go fuck off.

“You know, if you ever get sick of killing people for money, you’d be a great landscaper.”

“Tried that once, too boring” with that Kakuzu left, having done his job.

Now came the tedious part for Haku. He went to the closest source of water, which thankfully was only a half mile away. He then began the process of guiding the few hundred gallons of water he needed to fill the ditch over from the river. There was a particular pace he had to keep for this, too fast and the water splits off so he has to restart, too slow and it too much comes too soon and it pops. After a half an hour or so he’d brought the water over, it took another ten minutes for it all to finish traveling over. When all was said and done though, it was a perfect little pool. The two edges of it were too close to trees for Naruto to move along, and he assumed ten feet was too far to jump.

“One last step” Haku set off back home, it was ramen time.

He still probably wasn’t too good at making ramen, but given how Naruto reacted to it last time it would be good enough. He made a sizeable batch to help further entice the blond demon, it was all coming together now,

“So while you were gone I thought up an issue with your plan” Zabuza came in at the smell of food.

“Keep all critiques of my flawless plan to yourself” he was so close to the end he could feel the satisfaction already.

“You sure? It seems like a major problem.”

“I’m sure it’s not.”

“Fine then, have fun with your big bowl of food.”

Quickly, Haku went and placed the bowl in position. Now he just had to grab Naruto and bring him over to the pool, an easy enough task. Dealing with Sasuke of course was a whole other story.

“Hm” when Haku found them Sasuke was just looking at Naruto. “I’m not sure I follow your explanation.”

“You just do it” Naruto was trying to explain something to him, Haku had come in on this end bit of it.

“I, I don’t think it works that way.”

“It does for me.”

“Right cool great, I’m here for Naruto, bye” Haku came over and started pulling Naruto away by his sleeve.

Naruto was now fairly used to this being how Haku picked him up from training, so after a few feet of being dragged he began following him on instinct. Haku brought him to the bath trap.

“Oh no, your ramen is on the other side of this large body of water” Haku had practiced this speech while moving the water. “And you can’t go through the woods around it either, how will you get the ramen?”

Naruto looked at the pool of water, then back at the ramen, then back at the water. Then he reached his arm out towards it. Then his arm got really fucking big and on fire. He reached this massive arm over and grabbed the bowl, bringing it back over safely. Haku fell to his knees, Zabuza had been right.

“Good thing I’m a giant fox demon right!” Naruto, unknowing to the anguish he’d caused, began to eat.

“Yeah. Awesome.”

“Oh anslirpns” Naruto began trying to talk while eating.

“Eat then talk please.”

With his patent massive slurp, Naruto finished the ramen in no time. Putting the bowl down he then started sharing his info.

“Sasuke showed me this weird hot water house thing, check out how nice I smell!”

Naruto got as close as he could without touching Haku, which let the rather lovely aroma waft into his nose. Instead of the expected sweat and grime, Naruto smelled of roses and jasmine. Haku was so close to losing his mind.

“Did, did Sasuke take you to a bathhouse?”

“I think that’s what he called it yeah!”

“And, the water didn’t hurt you?”

“Nope! It was nice and warm.”

With a deep sigh Haku shed a few tears. The answer had been so simple, and yet he’d missed it. Naruto could eat hot ramen just fine, so of course hot water shouldn’t affect him.

“That’s, just, it’s just so great” Haku was going to scream about this later, in private.

“Yeah! You should come along next time.”

“Thanks, maybe I will, just, preferably without Sasuke.”

“Oh right, he said it was weird going with someone else, cause you two did something there?”

“Don’t worry about it” Haku wasn’t going to explain his sexcapades to Naruto. “But I’ll gladly take you there some other time.”

“Great!” Naruto gave him one of his cheeky grins, it made Haku feel a little better about this whole situation.


	7. The one where it gets M rated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If the chapter title didn't give it away, this one is pretty nsfw

Haku let out a sigh, he’d decided to take Naruto over to a bath house to let out some stress. As he sunk neck deep in the water the troubles of the past week melted away. It was hard to believe how crazy he’d gone so crazy over something so stupid. Naruto was somewhere nearby, he hoped. For right now though, he couldn’t care less. For now it was just how good the warm water felt and the peace.

“AOGUHGU” the peace was broken as Naruto erupted from underneath the water gasping for air.

“Just because it’s warm” Haku had watched him try and breathe underwater. “Doesn’t mean it’s lava you can breathe.”

“But” he spit out some more water. “If I don’t try how will I ever find out?”

“Well when you put it like that” he sat up out of the water. “At least try and do it a little closer to me in case I need to save you from drowning.”

“Oh yeah good call” Naruto stood up, revealing his frequently naked body, and dove into the water in front of Haku.

“Maybe I should’ve told him to wear a swimsuit” Haku thought about it, ultimately deciding to never do that.

With Naruto back to practicing his drowning, Haku returned to his soaking. It was calm, but a storm always comes to the calm. The storm took the form of one, technically drowning, Naruto. Flailing wildly trying to save himself he latched onto Hakus leg.

“NO I WON’T DIE WITH YOU” Haku tried to hold onto something to stay up, but the rocks were too wet to hold onto.

The two were now both submerged, Naruto was still wildly flailing his free arm. Haku was trying to pull them both up, it was hard since Naruto kept hitting him in the flailing. Running short on breath and acting quick he grabbed the offending limb. He stuffed it down his swim trunks to keep it from swinging wildly. Looping an arm around Narutos chest he used his other to swim upwards, the three feet of water was easily breached. The two took deep hungry breaths of air. That’s when the real storm hit, as Naruto pulled his hands away from Haku. Along with his swimsuit.

“My” Haku looked at the now removed piece of clothing as it floated between them both. “Swimsuit.”

“Oh” Naruto looked at them, and then back at Haku. “Does it, is this bad?”

“I mean” he looked at Naruto, it wasn’t the first time he’d seen him naked, but the first they both were naked together. “Not, necessarily.”

“Oh, ok then.”

Haku looked at him, the water was much hotter now from Narutos presence. He didn’t know why, but Haku reached up for his face. The steam still came, but it wasn’t as violent as normal. 

“It, it doesn’t hurt” Naruto brought his own hand up to touch Hakus. “It feels nice. You feel nice.”

The two looked into eachothers eyes. Haku cursed under his breath, and went in. He kissed Naruto. It was slow, and a little weird. There was a little puff of steam from the contact. Naruto was frozen at first, but after a few moments Haku felt him kiss back. His hands came up to hold Hakus face. The steam came at his touch, for the first time his touch didn’t sting. The warmth of his touch, the feeling of his breath as they pulled apart, it was something Haku didn’t know he wanted this badly.

“I, I uh” Naruto was breathing heavily now. “So that’s the whole boyfriends appeal?”

“Yeah, that is one of the appeals” Haku brushed some of the wet hair out Narutos face. “There’s quite a few more, but they can maybe wait.”

“Oh, what else is there?”

“You know” Hakus mind started racing to think of things other than sex. “We got, uh, kissing, holding hands, lastly there’s uh. Sex.”

“Sex?”

“When you uh” Haku had no idea how to explain this, considering the talk he’d got from Zabuza. “Become one with someone else, in an intimate way.”

“Like, fusing with them to gain new power?”

“No, it’s when you um, well. Depending on the, uh, genitalia, I guess, of the people involved. In the case of us, two cis men, it involves using your penis.”

“My penis?”

“I. You. We cannot have sex holy shit.”

“I’m sorry I was kidding. I do know what a penis is.”

“Oh thank fuck, you had me going really good there.”

“Which I assume, negates the can’t have sex?” Narutos question caught Haku very off guard.

“I mean” he couldn’t stop his eye from flicking between Narutos face, and his very visible dick. “Maybe, but just, after you learn more about it.”

“That’s fair, still not sure what you do with the penis after having one.”

“Oh don’t worry, you’re now grouped in with so many straight guys throughout the world.”

“Is that, like some kind of crazy dis? To whatever straight guys are?”

“Yes, yes it is. Let’s stop talking about it and maybe kiss some more?”

Naruto happily pulled him back in for another kiss. There wasn’t the initial moments of freeze on his end, the two of them just needed each other. Hakus hands slowly moved across his body, sliding down his back, stopping to rest on his lower back and thigh. Naruto had wrapped his arms around Hakus' back, trying to pull him closer as the kiss continued. Haku broke it off to start kissing his neck, eliciting some small moans from Naruto. When he felt something pressing up against him, Haku instinctively reached over to it. 

“Shit shit shit” Haku realized what he was doing as Narutos moans grew louder, so he made some distance between them. “I am very sorry for that considering what I said moments ago.”

“You” Naruto caught his breath again. “Don’t have to be sorry. It felt good.”

“I know that, but I told you sex stuff can wait.”

“What if I asked you to keep doing it?” his face was getting a little red as he asked that.

“I…” Haku looked at him, having to weigh the internal scale of being horny and thinking rationally. “Could, possibly make an exception. If you’re sure.”

“I. I think I’m sure.”

“Alright, then just relax” Haku had never felt this nervous before, considering he was at most going to give him a blowjob his heart shouldn’t be racing like this. “But if you feel uncomfortable and want me to stop, just say so.”

Naruto nodded and came closer, going in for another kiss. Haku slowly trailed his hands down Narutos chest, trying to lead him to a small rock outcropping to sit on. Once he was situated Haku gently ran his pointer finger along its length. Naruto broke off their kiss, letting out another moan. Haku returned to kissing his neck, focusing more on keeping his hand moving at a gentle pace for now. He slowly wrapped more of his hand around it, lightly sliding it up and down. His free hand moved to jerk himself off, Narutos moans having made him hard.

“It feels” Narutos voice was breathy now. “So good.”

“Only so good?” Haku tried to sound coy, doing his best to mask how badly he wanted this.

Before Naruto could reply Haku covered the head of his cock and gave it a light squeeze, making him let out another long moan. He stopped jerking himself off, choosing to focus both his hands on Naruto now. One hand was gently sliding along his shaft while the other focused on the head. Narutos moans became more desperate, his hips started to move along with Hakus hand.

“Don’t worry” Haku whispered into his ear. “You don’t have to hold back, just let it come when you’re ready.”

He quickened his pace, feeling Naruto twitch in his hands. He was close and Haku wanted him to finish. Finally Naruto let out a final loud moan, his cock pulsing in Hakus hands as he reached an orgasm. The water in front of him had a white cloud of his cum pumped into as Haku pulled his hands away. It took Naruto a few moments to regain his composure.

“That was incredible” he gave Haku a grin.

“That’s more like it” Haku gave him a quick kiss. “Let’s get you cleaned up though.”

Haku stopped as something warm pressed against his cock. Naruto slowly wrapped his hand around it, mimicking Hakus technique from moments ago.

“Oh” he let out a moan at the feeling. “You, you don’t have to do this Naruto.”

“But” he pushed him back against the small wall he’d previously sat on and started slowly jerking him off. “It’s only fair right?”

It was Hakus turn to moan in response. The natural warmth of Naruto was doing him all kinds of favors right now, Haku greedily pulled him into a kiss. Naruto picked up his pace, gently squeezing the shaft as he did so. Hakus hands grabbed onto Narutos waist, his moans growing louder. He could feel Narutos cock pressing against him again, only making it harder for him to think straight. All at once an orgasm swept through him, his fingers digging into Narutos waist. Naruto didn’t stop, even as Haku finished he kept jerking him off. Haku couldn’t focus on anything else, one of his hands returned to Narutos cock. Naruto began kissing and nibbling at his neck, his moans drowned out by Hakus. They kept going, Haku felt another orgasm coming soon. Naruto increased his intensity, biting his neck and thrusting his cock into Hakus hand. They came together somehow, Haku felt it wrack through them both. It left him panting as Naruto finally released him.

“How was that?”

“You’re making it” Haku could barely get his words out now. “So hard to keep up the no sex thing right now.”

“Well that’s a shame” Naruto gave him a large toothy grin. “But I am kind of hungry anyways, but thanks for this.”

“What?”

Haku froze as the grin grew wider, unnaturally so. His teeth grew into massive fangs as Naruto's body shifted out of the human form. The bath water turned to steam as he took his massive fiery demon form. He looked down at Haku, who was still frozen in place. Those massive jaws opened and then lunged down towards him.

“AH SHIT FUCK SHIT NO” Haku sprung upwards from bed screaming.

“FUCK SHIT WHAT?” Zabuza busted into the room a moment later.

The two looked at eachother, Haku had managed to hide his sleep boner before it was noticed. They just sat in silence for a while.

“So. Weird dream?”

“Yup.”

“Any geese?”

“Nope.”

“Yeah, uh, same yeah. I didn’t have any kind of weird geese dreams either. Night.”

With that Zabuza left him alone once more. Haku laid back down in bed, thinking about that dream.

“Fuck, I do want to date Naruto” enraged at how Zabuza was now technically right it took awhile for him to fall asleep. “Stupid sexy fox demon.”


	8. Therapy Sheep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boom! Relatively small turnaround time on this chapter, right? I think? Idk

It’d been about two weeks since Haku had that first dream about Naruto. Ever night since then he’d had more like it, each one ending with Naruto transforming and devouring him. This could mean a number of things, thankfully since it scared the shit out of him it didn’t mean Haku was into vore. It’d also meant he’d been avoiding Naruto as much as possible, even taking normal jobs instead of just ones for his expertise. So here he was, half a day from the guild headquarters, herding sheep.

“No, do not come this way” he waved the shepherd stick he’d been given at a straying sheep.

With a bleat of annoyance the sheep returned to the flock. Haku shook these thoughts from his head, instead focusing on his job. As boring as it was. Taking a herd of sheep from one farmer to the next surprisingly didn’t have a lot of action involved.

“Sheep how do you deal with weird nightmares related to a vague love interest?”

“Baa” their chorus rang out across the hills in reply.

“Hm, communication I see, interesting. What about when said love interest can also turn like three hundred feet tall and be made of fire?”

“Baaaaa.”

“Stop being a little bitch about it? You rude ass sheep.”

“Baa.”

“Oh yeah I’m sure you dated a wolf Shepton, real believable. Might as well have asked Sherly about it.”

“Ba.”

“No, Sherly, I don’t actually care to hear what you have to say on the matter I just wanted to put Shepton down. Read the rolling hills would ya.”

“Baa.”

“No! I’m not deflecting my emotional conflicts onto sheep! How could you accuse me of the Sherbon?”

“Ba.”

Haku nodded in agreement.

“I am the one talking to a bunch of fucking sheep you have a point there Shettly.”

As the flock and Haku crested another hill he stopped talking to the sheep. There were now a few armed men in sight, and he could not have them know how low he’d fallen. Even if he’d likely just be beating their asses.

“Bout time you lil sheepies showed up” the shortest of the men grinned at the flock. “Had me thinking someone else had come along and poached you up.”

“Listen, me and these sheep have a really good rapport going right now” Haku moved in front of the flock. “And I’m in kind of a good mood, so just be on your lil way and no one gets iced.”

“Oh yeah? Big talk pretty boy.”

“I am pretty, thank you.”

“No, that’s, it was an insult.”

“But boss, he is pretty pretty.”

“I know I’ve got fucking eyes don’t I?”

“Still confused how that was supposed to be an insult” this was going to fuel Hakus ego for the month.

“Ugh” the apparent boss rubbed his temple. “Cause pretty boys, such as yourself, aren’t very accustomed to the fighting as we rough men are. So when I said “Big talk pretty boy,” I was trying to insult your prior threat.”

“Oh, why not just say something like, “You don’t look like you could harm a fly,” or something else like that?”

“I was in the moment, I said what I said and I stand by it. We don’t all get to rehearse our witty lines with a flock of sheep.”

“Fair enough.”

“Thank you.”

The three of them stood across from Haku, all four of them motionless. The weird end to the discussion had led to an awkward pause in this sheepnapping. One of the two guys coughed after a little while.

“Are we done here?” Haku didn’t want to sit here with the sheep all day. 

“No we ain’t done here, boys get the fucking sheep already.”

“Oh right” the two men stepped forward, each holding a crude club.

The two men then stopped moving forward. Haku just stood there with his arms folded in front of his chest. Their boss’s anger began to simmer.

“What the hell are you two doin!”

“I can’t, I can’t move my legs boss” the left guy began to panic, his legs frozen in place.

“Me neither!”

“Fine, you want some sheep stolen you just gotta do it yourself” the boss stepped forward now.

As his legs froze as well Haku burst out in a fit of laughter, no longer able to keep it in. The three men tried to struggle against the icy restraints, but with the ice now spreading up their chests they were rather stuck.

“What the fuck kind of witchy shit is this!”

“I dunno why don’t you take a wild fucking guess you rough guy.”

“This is your witchy shit!”

“What? Me? Of course not, I’m just a defenseless pretty boy.”

Haku began to herd the sheep around the three men now that they were thoroughly stuck. The three men could now only wiggle their heads around.

“Just be glad I was the one doing this job, most other mercs would have just killed you as strike one” with these parting words Haku left them to slowly melt.

“Boss can we stop stealing sheep now, this job kind of sucks.”

“Yeah, fuck it.”

That short encounter was the only hitch in the journey. Haku got the sheep to the farm just as the sun began to set. The farmer was more than happy to hear Haku had handled those bandits. Now he just had to return to the guild.

“Now I know, in our few hours together we grew close” first he of course had to say goodbye to the sheep. “Shepton it's all about confidence I know you can be a lady killer. Sherly, you skank you, keep living the dream girl. Sherbon please do not go for a mohawk, you can not pull it off. Shettly, just dance, dance like nobody's watching.”

“Are you normally this weird?” the farmer watched him say goodbye to all thirty sheep.

“No I’m just going through it right now.”

“Uh huh, going through it.”

Taking the hint, Haku finally left. The road from this farm would take him back through the woods, having him pass fairly close to Narutos temporary den. He remembered the advice from Shepton. Baa. It was so simple, yet so good. He left the path, cutting through the trees. It was time to just talk to Naruto and handle things like an adult. No. Like a sheep herder. He froze in his tracks as he heard voices. Two, very distinct voices, ones he knew very well.

“So yeah this is where I sleep” Naruto was talking to someone else, who also knew where his den was now.

“It’s very” oh fuck oh shit oh fuck, Haku had to be mishearing this voice. “Rustic?”

“Thanks I think?”

Haku creeped closer, avoiding any loose twigs. His heart was racing. If there was at least one god he prayed this voice wasn’t who he thought it was.

“I’m sure you’re attached to staying here, but I’ve got some extra space at my place.”

Just a little further before he could see into the clearing.

“Oh, is that safe with my whole, burning most things I touch?”

“Yeah I’ve made sure to keep my place pretty fire resistant, comes with the territory.”

Haku held his breath as he stood behind a tree on the edge of the clearing. He already knew who it was, but wanted to delay the indisputable truth for as long as possible.

“And I can promise you, my bed is much nicer to sleep in than the rock.”

Hakus grip on the tree tightened, some bark broke off in his hands.

“I’ll be the judge of that, I’ve got the rock just how I like it finally, the bumpy parts don’t ev-”

Haku gulped. Finally looking into the clearing at this break in his sentence. It was somehow so much worse than he ever could have thought. Naruto was there, looking a little confused as his lips were pressed against someone else’s. Someone else who Haku could verifiably say, if angrily, was the best kisser in the guild. Those perfect lips belonged to one piece of shit named Sasuke Uchiha. While Narutos eyes were wide in surprise, Sasukes were closed for the kiss. Except for one, impossibly long moment where he opened them and locked eyes with Haku. That bastard had planned this all along, the satisfaction in those eyes made Haku burn with anger. He would not fucking lose to Sasuke again. With wild abandon he did something he’d look back on as his third dumbest decision.

“HEY NARUTO I SAW SOME SHEEP TODAY ISN’T THAT COOL” yelling and smiling Haku entered the clearing.


	9. A well balanced triangle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna try and keep a nice like, biweekly update schedule going forward hopefully

Sasuke’s eyes flickered with annoyance as Naruto fumbled around to look at Haku. They quickly returned to a perfect mixture of soft and comforting as Naruto looked back at him.

“Uh” Naruto somehow must have felt the rock he was next to and the proverbial hard place that was fast approaching.

“Yeah, they were so cute” Haku had assumed his own soft look, using his more effeminate face for an edge over Sasuke. “All fluffy and small, and they make the cutest little sounds.”

“Wow that sure sounds like it was so much fun” Sasuke replied before Naruto could figure out what was happening. “A real shame he was too busy spending the day with me to see them.”

“I’d sure say so” the two of them were now only a foot apart, keeping the perfect peppy tones and lovey eyes up. “But since you two seem like whatever you were up to is over and done with, I could show you some sheep. Would you like that Naruto?”

“Uhhh” the two snapped their gazes over to him, panic written all over his face. “Y-yes.”

“Oh that’s such a shame though” Sasuke stepped around Haku to block his line of sight to Naruto. “Since we’ve got breakfast plans tomorrow, and then training since I’m the only one capable of helping him master his magic. So looks like you’ll have to rain check that super fun sounding play date.”

“Oh is that right? I’m sure I could just tag along for that tomorrow then, after all I’d love to see Narutos progress and how strong he’s gotten. I’m sure neither of you would mind that right?”

“Of course not! Right Naruto?”

“Umm” his eyes flicked between the two of them, they were full of fear now. “Right?”

“Oh well that’s just super! I guess we all better pack it in for the night then to get a bright and early start tomorrow. Here let me walk you home Sasuke since it’s on the way.”

“Oh gosh that’s such a nice thing for you to offer!” Sasukes back was to Naruto so he let his expression change to one of contempt as he said this. 

“Well let’s go!” Haku grabbed him by the arm and pulled him away. “Bye Bye Naruto! Sleep tight!”

“Goodnight!”

“Um… Goodnight?”

As the two left Naruto stood there, alone and confused. He could tell something had just happened, a battle of some kind, but he couldn’t actually understand what happened. His head was starting to hurt trying to piece it together.

“What the hell is a sheep?” that had to be the puzzle piece he was missing.

A burst of laughter from the side of the clearing broke his train of thought. Zabuza was there, and had probably seen everything that had happened. He came and sat by Naruto while his laughter slowly died down.

“Oh boy have you found yourself in the shit” Zabuza let out another small chuckle. “To think you’d cause a full on cat fight like that, it’s like I’m looking at a younger more attractive mirror.”

“What? Do you know what just happened? Can you please tell me what a sheep is?”

“No it’ll detract from your himbo charms, what you need is some help navigating the hellish love triangle you’re in.”

“Love triangle? I mean yeah I like geometry but not particularly triangles?” this made Zabuza sigh.

“No you dolt. You’re the top point of this triangle, the bottom left point is Haku and the bottom right is Sasuke. They both, for some fucking reason, are drawing lines to you. Love lines if you will. Meanwhile they have a line between each other, the pure hatred line.”

“What? They don’t hate each other, they were so… Nice? I think nice, to each other.”

“That was all an act, a sweetly veiled sword they both were cutting each other with. The key to it is, they also wanted you to think either one of them was nothing but delightful. Which somehow worked.”

“Ok, so they pretended to be nice, so I’d think they both are nice?”

“Exactly, those two would without a second's hesitation kill each other were it not for social laws. This is where you stand to gain.”

“Me? Gain?”

“Yes you. The two of them are now in the world's stupidest pissing contest to get your love. All you have to do? Exactly what you do best.”

“Be really hot?”

“I know it’s not how you mean it to be, but yes. Also you need to keep being as dumb as possible. Make sure, as far as they can tell, that you’ve got no idea what’s going on. For example, Sasuke kissed you, so he thinks he’s got a leg up now on Haku.”

“Ok, so, how do I stupid and hot my way out of that?”

“Easy, you have to at some random moment kiss Haku, and then kiss fucking anyone else. Except Neji, do not kiss Neji or else this triangle will become rhombus.”

“Ok, but, why?”

“It’ll make them both realize that you don’t know what kissing means, and thus devalue Sasukes current victory in the fight for your love.”

“But, I do know what it means?”

“No you don’t.”

“Yeah I don’t.”

“Listen, you just have to ride this out for like a week or so. By then one of them will give up and you will be free of this awful situation.”

“What if neither of them gives up?”

“Oh I have a very simple solution to that. Pack your bags, and get the fuck out of here.”

“What?”

“If neither of them gives up, you are now in danger. They will have warped their minds and become deranged. You saw them with all their wits about them, imagine what it’d be like once their both raving fucking mad.”

Naruto shuddered. The two of them had already scared him today while they were trying to be nice. He wouldn’t be able to handle them actively being cruel to each other.

“You’re right it’ll be awful if it comes to that.”

“Good, and remember. If you break my boy's heart I will be obligated to come after you as a father.”

“Wait, how will I break his heart?”

“If you pick Sasuke over him.”

“Over him for what?”

“Dear god, you’re the perfect himbo” Zabuza shook his head. “Just, stick to your gut, I can’t offer you anymore help, kid.”

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Sure.”

“I don’t think you’ve offered me any help at all so far.”

“That’s fair, and mostly true” Zabuza got up and dusted himself off. “These are tomorrow's problems though. For now rest up, and pray to whatever god you believe in.”

“Should I preemptively move away?”

“No. Maybe? No.”

Zabuza took his leave, Naruto watched him go and thought about his situation. It didn’t seem good, but maybe Zabuza was exaggerating. The two of them could easily handle whatever this situation was between them without violence right? It was with these worries on his mind that Naruto drifted off to sleep, and for the first time in a long time, he dreamt.

“Naruto” a voice called out to him, but he couldn’t see it. “I’m sorry, we, I failed.”

He felt himself be lowered into a familiar warmth. He was in his home, it’d been over a month but he could still remember it’s comfort. Why couldn’t he see anything?

“It’ll be hard, I’m sorry to make you live the same life as me. Growing up all alone, it’s not easy, but you’re my son. I love you.”

He tried to call out, to say anything, but all he could do was cry. His eyes finally open, seeing a pair of strange violet eyes. They made him stop crying, he felt peaceful. 

“I know I’m failing you as a mother so early on, but you will get to live, and you will be free.”

His mother left, leaving him in the place that’d been his home for years. He’d never asked the old man about his parents, never thought to. What happened to them, what happened to her? Was she a demon like him? What about a father? Did he have one? Could, could they both be out there somewhere? 


	10. Naruto had one job.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, i realize this is also not biweekly, but, i had a new idea for a fic and have learned to not start a new one till my current ones are done.

Haku had gotten to the meet up location ten minutes early and was steamed to see Sasuke already there. That bastard was gonna make a point of how he got here like an hour early or something Haku just knew it.

“Oh wow, you’ve must’ve slept in huh” Sasuke had his regular awful face on.

“Some of us aren’t totally anal about getting places before they open” Haku returned the expression with his own awful face.

“And some of us don’t miss events.”

The small crowd of people that also wanted food gave them both some space. The air around them made it very clear that this was about to be a bad scene.

“Weird, you sure had no problem skipping out on our anniversary. Oh right, you couldn’t eat a nice dinner with me while choking on some guy's cock could you?”

“Oh right, I’m the bad guy. Who’s the one who, during sex, called out the others brothers name again? And before you say it was a weird accident, it’s only weird the ninth time you do it.”

“You caught me, yes. I did in fact try and use you to get with your brother. I’m sorry that he’s just hotter than you.”

“Um… Are you two in line?” some poor hungry guy just fucked up.

“YES WE ARE” the two turned on him together. 

“Can you not clearly see the order here sign that is a foot ahead of me?” Sasuke began violently pointing. “Do you think I just stand in front of signs for fun? What do I look like a fucking clown?”

“Uh, n-no?”

“Furthermore, can you not fucking tell that we” Haku gestured to himself and Sasuke. “Were clearly in the middle of a conversation, could you not hold your asinine question until we were done talking?”

“Well, I just kinda thought-”

“Really? I couldn’t tell you knew how to do that. Maybe next time think a little harder before opening your mouth.”

The man ran off, crying. The two glowered at his back until he was out of their line of sight. The small crowd of hungry people had grown significantly with people who wanted to see what all this commotion was about.

“Back to the real matter at hand here” Sasuke composed himself a little more. “You should really just leave, Naruto and I are kind of a thing now, and you’re just a very unwanted third wheel.”

“Well when Naruto gets here we’ll see just who the third wheel is.”

“Fine.”

The two waited, backs to each other, for the blond object of their affections to arrive. After about five minutes passed, filled with an excruciating silence, Naruto arrived. The crowd's gaze shifted to him.

“Sorry I’m late I had to help this crying guy” Naruto looked at all the people gathered around the three of them. “Is there um, like, a special?”

“No, why?” Sasuke's entire tone and demeanor shifted as he said this to Naruto, taking his hand in his own.

“There’s just like, a lot of people here, and um” he was looking at Haku now.

“Um?” Haku moved closer to him, hesitating with holding hands from all the past attempts of contact.

To the shock of Haku, Sasuke, and about half the people in the crowd, Naruto leaned over and kissed him. It was quite steamy, but thankfully it didn’t hurt either of them.

“Well well well, isn’t this just the perfect trifecta of people” Neji and Lee were also there for a breakfast date.

“Hello! I’m Lee!” Lee enthusiastically introduced himself to everyone there.

To the further shock of everyone present. Naruto walked right over to Lee and kissed him as well. The first person to break the stunned silence was Neji, as he threw them apart.

“How DARE you” Neji forcefully jabbed a finger into his chest. “HOW DARE YO-”

Somehow the crowd managed a third, and even more impressive, stunned silence. Sasuke and Haku watched in horror as Naruto just kept. Kissing. Neji.

“WELL WE BETTER ORDER OUR FOOD NOW” Haku pulled Naruto away from Neji and took him over to the counter, attempting to just block that out all at once.

“YUP” Sasuke was on the other side of Naruto helping drag him along.

Neji and Lee just stood there, staring at the trio. Neji was still frozen in place from the shock of being kissed by Naruto. Lee had no idea what was going on currently so was kinda just waiting to see what Neji would do.

“Let’s eat somewhere else” Neji finally regained his composure and left with Lee, also trying to block that out.

The crowd kept watching the trio, waiting for whatever chaotic drama would play out next. The air around them was heavy with tension as they ordered and then waited for the food. Haku and Sasuke were just constantly watching Naruto, unsure of who or what he was going to kiss next. One thing was very clear though, kisses meant nothing to him.

“Alright here’s two breakfast wraps, and a bowl of ramen?” the woman behind the counter seemed a little confused by the order.

“Thanks!” Naruto began leaning in.

“YUP THANKS” Sasuke grabbed his food and pulled Naruto away, leaving Haku to also get the ramen.

The crowd watched them all head off to eat in privacy somewhere else. A few of the braver amongst them followed the trio.

“If we stay nearby that blond guy might kiss us too” a few ‘fair enoughs’ were said in reply as the rest of the crowd dispersed.

Once they were all situated the situation wasn’t much different. Haku and Sasuke were desperately trying to understand what the hell just happened, Naruto was trying to eat his ramen in a new faster way.

“So” Sasuke broke the silence. “You uh, sure are close with Neji and Lee?”

“Huh?” Naruto looked up, a mouthful of ramen still present. “Nope.”

“Was um, that the first time you met Lee?” Haku also began to pry.

“Who?”

The two exchanged looks, their eyes full of despair.

“The uh, guy you kissed earlier.”

“Hm. Can’t say I remember who he is.”

“What about, the uh, waitress? Did you try and kiss her?”

“What? Oh yeah, you know how it is.”

“Right” Haku didn’t want to be the one to admit he did in fact not know how it is. “How it, uh, is.”

“Yes of course” Sasuke also didn’t want to be caught looking like an idiot.

Naruto discretely smudged up a part of a note he’d written on his hand, tragically the not kissing Neji note had been smudged much earlier.

“So um, how was the ramen?” Haku wanted to move past this whole topic.

“Great!”

“That’s good.”

“I think I’m gonna head out, do some uh” Sasuke seemed lost right now. “Stuff.”

“Right” Haku also considered leaving.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Narutos, kind of strange question made Sasuke pause.

“Am I?”

“Yeah, you know” Naruto loosely gestured at both of their lips.

“Right, yeah” Sasuke seemed more confused than enthused, but still kissed him before leaving.

That just left Naruto alone with Haku, and the four remaining on lookers. It was more of the awkward silence now. Haku tried to come up with anything to talk about, some sly way to pry into Narutos mind about what kisses meant to him. To his surprise it was Naruto who spoke first. 

“Could you, take me back to my home?” Naruto had lost his normal peppy tone. “Not like, the rocks here but, my actual home.”

“Oh” Haku felt the pangs of rejection coming on fast. “I uh, could yeah.”

“Thanks, I need to do something there, I think.”

“Visit some family?”

“If I can find them, but you don’t have to help me with that!”

This also caught Haku off guard. He kinda just assumed Narutos family was well, dead. Did they just move on without him instead?

“I mean, I’ll kind of already be there, no reason to just make you do it alone.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Just, please, do not kiss everyone we meet along the way.”

“Oh um, yeah I can probably do that, sorry if the kissing thing uh…”

“Uh…….” Haku tried to get him to explain that further.

“Made you um, uncomfortable? I don’t know, you kinda froze up, and then the whole craze with those guys. Didn’t mean to make you upset if you’re not like, someone who’s cool with all that kissing?”

“Uh, I wouldn’t say that” Haku was certainly cool with kissing. “You just kinda surprised me, and then kissed Neji and Lee, which was very shocking.”

“Neji… Nejiiiiiiiii” Naruto tried to remember what he’d been told about Neji.

“The second guy you kissed? Has long hair? Weird eyes?”

“Oh, that’s Neji huh” Naruto remembered his explicit instructions regarding Neji now. “Hm. Oops.”

“Oops?”

“Yeah I was told to not kiss Neji and I kinda forgot who he was so like, oops.”

Haku gave him a look. No, he couldn’t have.

“Who told you that exactly?”

“Oh Zabuza did.”

Haku sighed deeply, of course, it all made sense now. Naruto was being a lot more dumb than normal, it was the perfect crime.

“Well, whenever you’re ready to take this trip let me know” Haku also got up to leave. “I’ve got to have words with Zabuza now.”

“Oh, ok!” Naruto also got up. “So you do want a kiss too or no?”

Haku thought about that. On the one hand, was it really a genuine kiss if he was just following some terrible advice? Was Haku taking advantage of him if he kissed him right now? On the other hand however: Haku really wanted to kiss him. The scale of morality versus wanting to kiss is a tricky one.

“Hell yes I do.”

Haku grabbed onto his shirt to pull them closer. Just like last time there was a burst of steam. Sasukes training was good for something though, as there weren't any heat pains. Without the shock of before it was very clear to Haku that Naruto did not actually know how to kiss. He kind of preferred this to the dream Naruto though, it was nice.


	11. Well you see, I'm actually a beta cuck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kinda a short chap today, sorryyy, i have a pretty good idea of the next few chapters so they hopefully will be a bit bulkier

Naruto and Haku had set off the following morning, Naruto wanting to just get there as soon as possible. Haku wanted to avoid a situation, which was very tragically not avoided.

“I can’t wait to see where you’re from” Sasuke had found out about the trip and tagged along.

“There’s not really much to see” Naruto of course was talking about his volcanic home.

“I’m sure you can show me all the hot spots around the place” Sasuke thought this was about the actual village. “And maybe after this I can take you to where I used to live.”

“Let’s focus on the journey at hand please” Haku shot him a quick nasty look. “It’s only a few days if we stick to the road.”

The trip went quite smoothly. Bandits only tried to rob them all once, after the one group gets incinerated/frozen solid the others just kind of learn to leave them be. Once the village was in sight Haku decided to spill the beans about some of Narutos origins.

“So, you think this place is dangerous for him because, and I cannot stress this enough, a guy you refer to as Ramen Guy told you to take Naruto and leave?”

“Yeah that’s the gist of it.”

“Did you consider that you’ve overreacted?” Sasuke added just a small hint of condescension to his voice.

“I did consider that, and then I decided I didn’t.”

“Well I think, if we politely go in, without disguises or a big fuss, everything will be fine.”

As he said this he looked very pointedly at the disguise Haku had assembled onto Naruto. Admittedly it was a pretty shit disguise, but it was better than nothing.

“There’s also the matter of the uh, minor, damage caused by Zabuza last time we were here.”

“He didn’t kill the messenger of the invoice did he?”

“If I had to put money on it, he one hundred percent killed that messenger.”

“Honestly that’s not even a big problem either, we can just say we’re here to pay for those damages in person. Also that the messenger got killed by those bandits on the road.”

“I don’t want to pay these people money, especially not my money.”

“Of course you don’t” Sasuke sighed at that. “Fine, I’ll pony up for now, but you are helping me get repaid when we’re back.”

“It’d be easier for me to get you a dragon than get money out of Zabuza.”

“Then you’re getting me a dragon.”

Prepared for either bad outcome the three of them entered the village. Haku had spent most of the journey here preparing Naruto for this role, and warning him about not getting caught. It was about fifteen steps into the village before they were approached.

“Weren’t you with that crazy guy who wrecked a bunch of stores?” a few guards had rolled up to them.

“Hm I can’t say I was” Haku hoped lying would just fix this issue.

“No I’m like really sure I saw you here with him.”

“I think I’d remember if I was here in that exact circumstance.”

“I think you like expressly said we could send an invoice for the damages, and then the guy we sent never came back.”

“That sure sounds terrible mister, but I’ve never been here before” Haku tried to quickly process a good lie. “This is the first time me and my husband have had the spare money to travel.”

“Is your husband the guy with a fake mustache or the emo one?”

“I assume I’m the emo one” Sasuke stepped forward to speak to the guards. “If there seems to be some issue with your town and my darling here, we can take our vacation elsewhere.”

Sasuke had attempted to sound more like an authoritative father on a family vacation, it didn’t exactly work. Haku managed to avoid laughing at him though so they weren’t dead in the water yet.

“So what is that guy part of your marriage or just some guy you brought on this lover's vacation?”

Haku and Sasuke exchanged a quick side glance. This wasn’t the first time they’d used this exact lie in almost this exact same manner.

“You see I’m a cuckold” the tone Sasuke said that in caused a visible reaction from the guard who’d been questioning them.

“A…. A what?”

“My loving husband here prefers to be cucked in the bedroom, if you know what I mean.”

“I, I don’t” the guard looked a little afraid now.

“It’s quite simple actually” Sasuke did a little performative cough. “I gain sexual arousal by watching the moon and stars of my life get absolutely railed by others. I’m talking like crazy freaky shit, if this Alpha degrades me for being a beta cuck during the railing even better.”

“Um” the guard was now very uncomfortable.

“It’s really an ograsm like no other, seeing another man so thoroughly please my one and only love in ways I never could.”

“Maybe we should uh, go patrol somewhere else” one of the other guards clearly wanted to leave right now.

“Yeah um, have a good stay” the now flustered guards left.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d think you really were a beta cuck” Haku whispered this to Sasuke as the two of them waved after the guards.

“Rather lie about being a cuck than cough up money, I still want that dragon.”

With the first of what would probably be many issues handled the three of them looked for a hotel. They found a relatively cheap place to hole up in while they discussed a plan.

“We need more to go on than Ramen Guy” Sasuke was circling back to the biggest flaw in their plan.

“Naruto can you remember his real name?” Haku had instantly forgotten it.

“His real name is Ramen Guy, he told me so” Naruto had clearly ignored if he’d been called anything else.

“So all we have is that he used to bring Naruto ramen, great.”

“You’re exaggerating how bad a situation we’re in.”

“Yeah!”

“Oh so how do you think we’re gonna figure this out then Naruto?”

“I mean, he usually just finds me so I figure he’ll show up at the door sooner or later.”

“You cannot-”

Sasuke was interrupted by an abrupt knock on the door. All three of them whipped their heads around to stare. After a few moments there was another knock.

“I told you” Naruto got up, a self satisfied grin plastered on his face. 

“Wait no don’t just” Haku tried to stop him from opening the door up without at least checking.

“Ramen Guy!”

“Hm it seems that guard was mistaken, you don’t look like a” it was unfortunately the other old guy Haku had run away with Naruto from. “Beta cuck, his husband, and their mustached cuckold.”

“Well shit.”


	12. The worlds most boring prison break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big bang boom!! Chapter update!!!

Haku was having a very big deja vu moment as he and Sasuke sat in a cell. Whoever this old guy was had done his research though, Sasuke couldn’t melt through the cell bars. This did nothing to stop him from trying of course.

“This sucks” he was breathing heavily having just breathed fire for a few straight minutes. 

“I told you we were going to run into some kind of trouble, I warned you.”

“No, some guy, who we still don’t know the name of, gave you a vague look like a month ago. Having a whole city's worth of guards arrest us is not conveyed by a vague look!”

“You doubted me, and worst of all you doubted the look of Ramen Guy.”

“Fine! Yes I doubted you and this Ramen Guy, happy? Is this vindication of you knowing about my doubt helping you right now?”

“No” Haku could hear someone approaching. “But play this anger up like a lot right now.”

“Oh no playing up required” Sasuke took another deep breath.

By the time the guard who Haku had heard could see them both Sasuke had voiced a lot of grievances. He’d gone into issues from the previous relationship, apparently Haku used his hairbrush too often. Sasuke yelled about so many things and so violently it was the perfect setup. Haku had started fake crying a few moments into the whole rant. The guard looking in was stunned by the scene.

“AND YES WE’RE ALL AWARE YOU THINK YOU’RE PRETTIER THAN DEIDARA, NO ONE CARES!” Sasuke wound himself down as he needed to breathe again.

“Uh, keep it down you two?” the guard didn’t seem to know what exactly to do.

“Oh thank goodness you’re here” Haku flung himself against the bars, tears streaming down his face. “This man has been yelling and threatening me for so long. Please help me. I'm so scared.”

“Uh, I um, can’t really..”

“Oh please take me away from him please” Haku was trying to play the distressed damsel card as hard as he could. “I don’t know how long I can hold him off and I’m so dreadfully afraid of what he’ll do to me.”

“Well” the guard looked up and down the hallway. “I guess I could.”

“Oh thank you so much! You’re my hero!”

“Oh well” the guard reached for some keys and approached the cell door.

Not wanting to keep up this act any longer, Haku waited for him to be within reach. Then he quickly shot one of his hands out towards the guard and grabbed onto the front of his armor. With a hard and fast tug the man's head was slammed into the bars and he went limp. After a few moments of the two of them were free from the cell.

“For the record, I am actually mad at you for all of those things” Sasuke was looking away from him as he said this.

“Yeah and I think you’re a dickhead, yet here we are” Haku finished locking the guard up in a cell. “Doing a jailbreak together.”

“I will admit if I was less mad at you this would be an incredibly hot moment for us.”

“And I’ll admit, if you were Itachi it would be an incredibly sexy moment.”

“I’m adding that to my list of reasons I’m mad at you.”

The two moved in silence. Sasuke trying to ignore Haku, and Haku was just trying to focus on how to get out of here. This prison floor was much more complex than the last one Haku was in, they couldn’t even figure out where the guard came from. Things weren’t looking great for them to find a way out.

“Hey you two” some voice called out to them. “Do I know one of you?”

Haku turned around to find the voice, and thanked this miracle dressed as an old man.

“Ramen Guy you have no idea how good it is to see you.”

“I have a name you know.”

“See! I told you it was rude to only know him as Ramen Guy.”

“Blame Naruto!”

“Wait, is Naruto with you?”

“Uh, he was. Before he got a little confiscated.”

“Did my look not convey to you the seriousness of you not bringing him back here!”

“I mean, it mostly did but he wanted to!”

“Can you get me out of here so we can stop whatever the hell is bound to be unfolding?”

“No, first I need to know” Sasuke stood between Haku and the cell door. “What. The. Fuck. Is. Your. Name.”

“You can call me Teuchi, since that’s my actual name” Teuchi stood up and stretched in his cell. “Now can we hurry up with this whole prison break?”

“Thank you, yeah let him out Haku.”

Haku quickly unlocked the cell door for Teuchi and the three stood in the hallway together. Haku gave him a look expecting him to know the way out. After a few minutes of standing around he spoke up.

“So, the way out of here?”

“I’m sure there is one.”

“Do you know how to get out of here?”

“No clue, this is some next level secret prison.”

“Cool, we’re still stuck down here, but now we have Ramen Guy with us” Haku was back to feeling very hopeless about this whole situation.

“This is the WORST” Sasuke punched a nearby wall. “FUCK MY HAND.”

“Something about you” Teuchi and Haku watched Sasuke hold his hand in pain. “Causes idiots to gravitate towards you I guess.”

“You get used to it after a few years.”

“YOU DIDN’T EVEN REMEMBER THIS GUYS NAME!”

“He has a point, you might not be that smart either.”

“At least I didn’t get” Haku stopped himself, since he had been thrown in jail twice now.

“Hm, gonna talk shit?”

“No, you’re probably right.”

After he recovered from his self inflicted injury Sasuke turned towards the hallway the two of them had come from. He angrily stormed off down it.

“Great now where are you going?”

“I’m going to go beat up that guard and let off some steam.”

“Wait” Teuchi stopped him. “What guard? And why didn’t you make him show you the way out of here?”

“The one we got the keys from” Haku jingled the keys.

“And my second question?”

“Because we’re stupid as you previously noticed.”

“Right, let’s go have him show us the way out.”

With Teuchi providing the two of them some much needed rational thought, the group was off. It took a bit to navigate back to the cell since every hallway was the exact same. It helped that the guard was awake now and calling for help.

“Hey idiot show us how to get out of here” Haku hit one of the bars for effect.

“No, fuck you, you tricked me and attacked me!”

“Sasuke please rip one of his arms off.”

“Wait” the guard looked at Sasuke and held up his arms. “I’ve reconsidered.”

“Just to be sure I should rip off one of his arms still right?” Sasuke was eyeing up his arms.

“At least a hand” Teuchi folded his arms to add to the whole intimidation vibe they had going.

“He does have two” Haku also looked at his arms now.

“Please if you let me keep my arms and hands I’ll do whatever you want.”

“I do love unconditional surrender, give me the keys” Sasuke headed over to the cell door.

Now with a hapless guard being dragged around by Sasuke, the group headed for the exit. After a bunch of seemingly random turns the group ended up at a dead end. This did not bode well for the guard.

“So which arm is your favorite” Sasuke turned to look at the man.

“No! I swear this is the way out!” he was now clutching his chest.

“Test it.”

“Ok” Sasuke shrugged, and then threw the man at the wall.

Interestingly, he didn’t slam into it painfully. Instead he flew through the wall, and it then vanished. The guard then painfully crashed into a different wall about five feet behind that fake wall.

“Oh I guess he gets to keep those arms” Haku went over to the door they could all see now and began trying keys on it. 

“The two concussions he got are probably enough” Sasuke dragged the once more knocked out guard to the side.

“Is all of your guild just casually insane?” Teuchi didn’t seem offended by all the violence, just surprised.

“Yeah look at the shit we do for money” there were a lot of keys for Haku to try. “I once had to dress up as a maid to then find and kill another maid.”

“Why did you have to dress up as a maid for that?”

“Honestly I don’t remember.”

Breaking the awkward silence that followed Hakus short story, the door clicked open with one of the keys. This door just led to a stairwell that went up, but it was at least closer to freedom than this weird prison.

“Let’s get moving, we’ve got schemes to disrupt” Teuchi started bustling up the steps.

“Schemes?”

“Yeah, probably nefarious ones.”

“Schemes such as?”

“Well I have no idea I just make ramen.”

“Again, while we may have been thrown in jail and got Naruto kidnapped” Sasuke was using his doubt voice. “But maybe we overexaggerated how bad that old guy is?”

“What? No don’t be crazy Hiruzen is a mad man and possibly could have already killed Naruto.”

“KILLED?”

“Yeah, I’m not sure what he wants with him exactly, but killing Naruto is definitely a major part of it.”

“Why would he kill him!” Sasuke was incredibly confused by this, since he didn’t know all about Naruto. “He’s just like, pretty good with fire?”

“Oh” Teuchi looked at Haku. “He doesn’t know?”

“KNOW WHAT?”

“Well Sasuke, uh, Naruto is” Haku tried to think of a delicate way to phrase it as they neared the top of the steps. “Special?”

“Special how exactly?”

“Well just take a look” Teuchi gestured out the door he’d kicked open.

The two looked outside. Haku wasn’t terribly surprised by what he saw, all things considered. Sasuke though? Sasuke was damn right flabbergasted. There was certainly a massive demon going on a rampage out in the city right now.

“And this reala-”

“That’s Naruto. He’s also a giant fox demon, like lava.”

“Huh” Sasuke was in that state of shock currently.

“We should probably try and stop him” Teuchi watched the various building in the city explode. 

“Given the odds right now” Haku rolled his shoulders and went out the door. “I’ll worry about keeping him alive first. Sasuke?”

“Killing people?”

“Killing people.”

With a shrug Sasuke followed after Haku towards the origin of chaos. The two of them had no idea what the hell was going to be waiting for them aside from Naruto, and that was good enough for them.


	13. How many times does this old man have to teach us this lesson?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, we, go!!!! I'm gonna say there will be like, 1-2 more actual chapters and then an epilogue since I fuck with those. So yeah, we're in the home stretch?

“We really have to stop getting captured by this guy” Haku and Sasuke were tied up together now.

“It’s shockingly easy to capture you two” Hiruzen was taunting them while Naruto rampaged in the distance.

“I mean to be fair we did just give up last time” Sasuke sort of had a point there.

“Wait, no we didn’t” Haku didn’t remember it like that. “We got poisoned by some blow darts.”

“I’d remember if I got hit by a blow dart thank you very much.”

“Are you, are the two of you bickering while in this situation?” Hiruzen did not know them well.

“Can you just settle the score and tell Sasuke that you used poison darts on us.”

“But I didn’t?”

“I fucking told you, we gave up.”

“No that’s also not what happened.”

Sasuke and Haku exchanged confused looks. Apparently neither of them knew how they ended up in jail. Haku also couldn’t remember how they’d gotten captured this time. 

“I opened the door, said a witty one liner, and then had my guards beat the shit out of you.”

“That’s, did we really get our asses kicked?”

“Yeah, it was kind of unexpected.”

“Ok and this time?”

“We’d set up this trap just in case and you two ran into it.”

“Are we, are we the worst?” Sasuke seemed very shaken by this.

“We might be the worst” Haku also couldn’t believe they’d just walked into a trap.

“Regardless of how I’ve been capturing the two of you, it’s literally too late” he pointed at Naruto. “I’ve transformed him into the ultimate weapon, one that can wipe away all of my enemies.”

“He’s literally destroying the town we’re all in right now! How the fuck is this your plan?”

“I don’t need this stupid town now that I have him! No more dealing with idiots and half-wits, finally I can do whatever I want!”

“Is that really your motivation behind this?”

“Obviously!”

“It just seems really, I dunno, basic.”

“Yeah I hate to agree with him, but you just want to do whatever you want?” Sasuke also wanted to pick apart this guy's scheme.

“Do you not want to have complete power to do anything you’ve ever wanted to do?”

“Not really if I’m honest, the few things I can’t do usually turn out to be shitty ideas.”

“Well I dream big! With Naruto at my disposal I can level nations! All will bow before me!”

“Again, very basic stuff” Haku was largely unimpressed by this guy. “Like you could have just gotten really good at magic and done that.”

“Well instead of that I’ve spent my whole life getting very good at killing demons and using mind altering abilities.”

“Wait a minute” Sasuke narrowed his eyes at Hiruzen. “We did just give up last time, because this guy messed up our heads!”

“Yes, you caught me, I messed with your heads so the two of you couldn’t stop me from taking Naruto.”

“Where does the killing demons part come into this?”

“Oh, I mean it doesn’t right now, but I used to hunt and kill demons.”

“Then why the hell did you wait to do this whole stupid plan till now?”

“Unfortunately the last time I had a chance to get my hands on anything as powerful as him, the damn thing blew itself up. I see now that it did so to distract me from the baby it’d just had.”

“That’s fucked up!” Haku assumed that was Naruto's mother.

“It was like twenty years ago who cares.”

“It’s still fucked up!” Sasuke had his two cents to throw in here. “And it being in the past by no means makes it less fucked up!”

“Oh really?” Hiruzen's face twisted into an evil grin. “HEY NARUTO, COME HERE.”

Something on his wrist began to glow as he spoke this command. Naruto stopped mid swipe and looked over where the three of them were. Slowly the massive demon made its way over to them. Up close he gave off a massive wave of heat that made Haku wince in pain.

“Good boy, now say your goodbyes you two” he pointed at them. “Finish them off.”

Naruto's massive snout moved closer to them. Haku was reminded of how too many of his dreams had ended, and how they seemed to be more prophetic than he’d thought. He looked right into one of the large white eyes. Haku couldn’t believe Naruto was somewhere inside there, but he had to hope.

“NARUTO” he struggled against the restraints. “NARUTO I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. YOU DON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THAT OLD PIECE OF SHIT!”

“Can you hear him Naruto, because I don’t think you can” Hiruzen watched him struggle, that grin still plastered on his face.

“NARUTO IT’S ME” Haku searched in the eye for any small hint of recognition, his desperation growing. “IT’S ME HAKU!”

“Oh please keep squirming! Naruto be sure to savor this.”

“NARUTO” Sasuke started to yell too. “REMEMBER OUR TRAINING! I SHOWED YOU THE HOT SPRINGS AND HAD TO CARRY YOU IN BECAUSE YOU WERE SCARED OF THE WATER!”

While that was a weirdly specific thing for Sasuke to yell; Haku could have sworn there was a flicker of hesitation in Naruto's eyes.

“NARUTO! ON YOUR FIRST NIGHT AT THE GUILD I STAYED OUT IN THE WOODS WITH YOU SO YOU WOULDN’T BE ALONE! WE ATE RAMEN UNDER THE STARS!”

Another small flicker in his eye, it seemed to focus on Haku for a second.

“WE KISSED! I INVITED TO YOU TO LIVE WITH ME WITH SO YOU COULD STOP SLEEPING OUTSIDE!”

Naruto's head was so close now, a little more than ten feet away maybe, and the heat was starting to become too much for Haku. His jaw opened slowly and his massive teeth could be seen.

“NA” Haku tried to choke the words out, but his whole body was painfully dry now. “We, on the road together, you were afraid of the rain. I…. I made a barrier for us.”

Naruto stopped his approach, his eye was focused on Haku again. The two could feel it, this was their chance to try and break Naruto out of this spell. Haku did his best to muster up his strength in the oppressive heat.

“Naruto” the two spoke together. “WE LOVE YOU!”

There was silence for a moment, Haku could clearly see the recognition in Narutos one eye now. The moment was broken by the maniacal laughter of Hiruzen.

“You two called me basic!” he could barely stop laughing long enough to talk. “BUT YOU’RE TRYING TO USE LOVE? TO WHAT? SAVE SOME DEMON? You can’t make this kind of shit up! Naruto just kill them already.”

Naruto remained motionless at that order, Haku could tell he was trying to resist it. 

“Maybe you misheard me” his wrist glowed again. “I said: Kill them.”

Naruto began to growl, his head moving forward slowly. His whole body was straining against this order but it wasn’t enough. Haku could see it in his eyes, the fear of what he was about to do.

“I SAID KILL THEM YOU USELESS DEMON! YOU’RE AS PATHETIC AS YOUR MOTHER!”

All at once Naruto stopped again. His eyes were beginning to return to that controlled state, but Haku could see it in them. Pure, unbridled hatred. Lightning fast he snapped his jaws at Hiruzen, the old man barely reacted. He’d dodged it just enough to avoid being eaten entirely, but Naruto had gotten his arm that’d been glowing. Hiruzen's eyes widened in a mixture of pain and fear, he ran off. Naruto gave chase, that old man was somehow able to outpace him even with that injury. 

“Holy fucking shit” Teuchi came out from behind some rubble, throwing a large rock to the ground.

“Ramen” Hakus voice was still ragged from the heat. “Guy.”

“Yeah yeah, let's get you two free.”

With a knife he pulled from somewhere Teuchi sawed through their restraint. Free of it Haku and Sasuke could feel their magic flowing once again. Haku immediately began cooling himself down.

“That was fucking insane, he had that poor kid all controlled like that” Teuchi looked at the destruction Naruto had caused. 

“It’s not over yet” Sasuke followed the new path he was tearing through the city. “He’s completely lost it now.”

“Water” Haku was reaching out to Teuchi who started frantically looking for a drink.

“He’ll calm down eventually right? You’ve known him for awhile right Teuchi?”

“I uh” he brought a bottle of something to Haku. “I’ve never seen him lose it before, sure he’s got a temper when he’s hungry but that’s it.”

Haku drank down the whole bottle Teuchi had given him. With his magic and the water his body started to feel normal again. Something in him knew what he’d have to do to stop Naruto.

“Sasuke, Ramen Guy, I have a plan” Haku, breathing heavily from chugging the water, stood up and looked towards Naruto. “But I need a lot of water and I need it fast.”

“How fast?”

“Fast enough I don’t realize how fucking stupid this idea is.”

Hakus body began to grow cold, colder than it ever had before. The ground around him began to frost over. Sasuke backed away from him, the sudden wave of cold caused pangs of pain throughout his body. With a nod he left, doing his best to find as much water as he could. Teuchi was rummaging as fast as his old body could, throwing bottles of water towards the growing cold zone emanating from Haku. 

“Naruto” Haku could hear his roars as he raged on, he could feel his pain. “I’m sorry if this hurts you, but I’m going to stop you before it’s too late.”

Each drop of water Sasuke and Teuchi could bring to him froze. The ice formed around Haku, taking shape and growing in size. Once it was big enough the ice form began to stand. The cold aura of it grew in size as well, allowing Haku to pull in water on his own. The great ice beast began to pursue Naruto, its shape becoming more defined with each step. When it finally rivaled Naruto in size it had completed its formation. Haku rested inside the head of his giant ice wolf as it moved in to stop Naruto.

“Ok, could he always have just done that?” Teuchi had regrouped with Sasuke and was staring at the giant ice wolf.

“I, I fucking guess so?” Sasuke was just as bewildered by this.


	14. Hatred is a cold fire, and it gives no warmth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay on this! I kinda got like super into the dragon age fic i'm writing

With his massive wolf form Haku could easily catch up to Naruto. It was impossible to tell if Hiruzen was still alive among all the chaos, but Haku would have to worry about that later. While Naruto’s back was still turned to him, he pounced. Their two massive forms collided, the eruption of steam on contact obscured the clash. Haku attempted to dig his claws in and restrain Naruto, but it was hard to focus on that and keep his wolf cold enough to resist the heat.

“RARGH” Naruto seemed to still feel pain in this form.

Enraged from the pain he began to shake his body to throw Haku off. Trying to avoid that, Haku sunk his fangs into Naruto’s body as well. Gripping onto his shoulders and neck now Haku was much more secure and Naruto wasn’t able to throw the wolf off. 

“I’m not going anywhere!” he redoubled his efforts with maintaining the ice now that his hold was secure.

All of their points of contact began to steam less, slowly the magma making up Naruto’s body was beginning to cool. Haku did his best to ignore the howls of pain Naruto made, this was his only method to immobilize the fox. With a loud howl Naruto took off, it wasn’t as fast as before but he could still move. Trying to prevent whatever was about to happen, Haku focused. The fiery trail that followed Naruto ceased, the air around him becoming too cold to sustain it. The lowered temperature slowed the fox’s movements as well, Haku could feel the heat within it begin to die out.

“That’s it, just stay still and calm down” he pulled back a little, afraid of doing any permanent harm to Naruto.

The slight let up was all the fox needed. In an instant its body was reignited, Haku had fallen for its bluff. The area around them instantly ignited further fueling its body, revitalized the fox dashed forward. Haku’s wolf was beginning to melt now, his grip weakening as its form shrank. It wasn’t going to be possible for him to lower the temperature again, the heat was unrelenting now. He grit his teeth as their goal was revealed, the fox was heading back towards its nest. Haku attempted to release the fox to avoid what was about to happen, but its tail wrapped around his diminished wolf and prevented that.

“A reasonable end to this terrible idea” he took a final breath as they dived into the lava inside the nest.

His wolf couldn’t last more than a second in there. He focused all his magic just on protecting himself with a smaller barrier. He was encased in a small ball of ice now, impossible heat pushing at him from every direction. His time was short, the ball wouldn’t last long. His world went dark as the inevitable end grew closer.

“What the hell are you doing” in his dark world, a familiar voice rang out. “Cowering in your final moments? I know for a fact I raised you better than this!”

The world came into focus again, he wasn’t inside a pool of lava anymore. It was one of his first days at the guild, Zabuza’s intimidating figure was standing above him after a brutal fight.

“You’re giving up already? One swing and your will to live is extinguished?”

“What am I supposed to do?” Haku was only eight then, he could barely fight. “There’s no way I can beat you!”

“Then you stand on those two feet of yours and give it everything you’ve got!” Zabuza grabbed him and threw him back to his feet. “On the battlefield no one cares if you’ve given up, if you’re afraid of dying, the second you stop giving it everything you can you’re dead. It doesn’t matter what odds you’re up against, you fight! And if you fall, you fall without regret, that is the way of the swordsman.”

“Well what the fuck does a swordsman do in a pool of lava!” the scene broke down as he questioned Zabuza. “Watch your favorite hunk of metal melt?”

“Well, I admit that’s a new one” the mental Zabuza rubbed his chin. “But if ain’t broke don’t fix it. Whatever fight you’ve got left in you, throw it out there.”

“Again, I’m fighting a volcano here, one that I’m already submerged in! I don’t have a lot of options!”

“Fuck I don’t know! I’m in your damn head, figure it out yourself!”

“I’M FUCKING TRYING TO DO THAT!”

Haku glared at the fake Zabuza. He knew it was absolutely meaningless to be angry with it, but it made him feel a little better. A thought crossed his mind, a really idiotic one, but it was better than nothing.

“ALSO FUCK HOW YOU NEVER DO THE DISHES WHEN I COOK!” he felt himself get just a little stronger as he got angry again. “FUCK HOW YOU USE MY SHIRTS TO CLEAN THAT STUPID SWORD OF YOURS! FUCK YOUR DUMB TOUGH GUY ATTITUDE! FUCK EVERYTHING!”

The fake Zabuza gave him a grin as it faded away, his body was starting to feel stronger again. He didn’t stop there though, he thought of everyone from the guild and all the things they did that pissed him off.

“FUCK YOU FOR COPYING MY LOOK! FUCK YOUR STUPID REBOUND BOYFRIEND! FUCK YOU FOR BEING HOTTER THAN ME!” 

Haku had a long list to run through, each time he changed who he was yelling at they’d appear in his fading mindscape. Soon enough he was surrounded by his friends and guildmates, as well as clients who’d short changed him and enemies he lost too. Finally he was looking forward to Naruto, the rest having moved to the background.

“AND LASTLY” he aggressively pointed at Naruto. “FUCK YOU FOR KISSING SASUKE BEFORE ME!”

With a surge of power Haku’s eyes opened again, they now glowed a light blue. The melting of his protective ice stopped. The temperature began to drop, first the lava around him began to freeze, but within a few moments the whole pool was solid. Naruto’s fox form had leapt out of it before being turned solid. A few moments after the pool was frozen Haku erupted from it, his wolf formed a new and larger than before. The fox leapt up the interior of the volcano to avoid the massive jaws.

“BRING THAT ASS” Haku roared from inside the wolf. “HERE!”

As the fox leapt from out the top of the volcano the wolf erupted from it, expanding the opening by breaking it. The fox ran as fast as it could, the wolf gave chase. The difference in their sizes spelled the end of the fox, the wolf was easily able to over take it and pounce once again. The wolf pinned the fox on its back, leaving its chest exposed as it thrashed its neck about.

“You better be somewhere in this thing” Haku stared down at the fox, preparing for a final plunge.

Once he was ready Haku launched out of the wolf’s head and into the fox’s chest. His extreme cold allowed him to survive inside its body, but it was too hot to freeze over. With a single task in mind Haku swam towards the head, eyes searching for Naruto anywhere inside this thing. It was slow moving through the fox, it’s innards were never intended to be swam through. Every stroke required more and more of his strength, but Haku pushed on. He could see something ahead of him now, it looked like an orb with something inside of it. Re-invigorated by the sight he pushed himself towards it faster, he outstretched his hand and touched it. Unlike everything else inside the fox, it wasn’t hot, it was smooth as his finger slid along it. He could feel Naruto inside it. In the world outside the fox Sasuke had finally caught up to the two of them, he made sure to avoid the massive zone of frozen everything.

“What the fuck is going on” he could understand the giant fox, but he was going to demand some explanations about the wolf.

He watched the fox struggle against the wolf, attempting to throw it aside. Unaffected by the struggle the wolf opened its jaw and ripped into the fox. Sasuke saw it struggle trying to rip something out of the fox’s body but couldn’t see what it was. Finally the wolf tore it free and flung it to the ground. Clinging onto a large red orb, Haku took long heavy breaths. With Naruto torn from it the fox slowly fell apart beneath the wolf.

“Get the fuck out of this orb!” coughing Haku began to bang on the side of it. 

“Haku, what the fuck is going on?”

“Naruto, orb, I think?”

“You think?”

“I can’t exactly see into it, help me bust it open.”

Unsure of what else to do, Sasuke approached the orb. Together the two tried to break it open, banging on it with their fists without any sign of it working. Inside the thick red shell Naruto was curled up in a ball, unconscious and having his own visions. He was in a world of fire, demons of all sizes surrounded and watched him. As the ground shook a part of their circle opened and a massive fox demon approached him.

“So you’re the last one” the fox eyed him over as it began to lay down in front of him. 

“The last of what?” Naruto’s eyes watched its many tails swish behind it.

“The last of our kind, is that” the fox turned to the other demons. “Was that not obvious?”

They all muttered affirmations in one form or another.

“What exactly is our kind?”

“That is a much better question my boy. Some say we were once a single massive fire, no thought or form, that burned so bright and strong it gained sentience and created a form for itself. Personally, I don’t really believe that, but I couldn’t say for sure it isn’t true. Much more simply, we are fire foxes.”

“Are you going to answer all of my questions like that because I don't have anything to take notes on and I’ve already forgotten most of that.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll keep the rest simple” it let out a small laugh with its reply.

“Are you my mom?”

It let out a much louder laugh at that question, a few of the surrounding demons joined in.

“I’ll take that as a no.”

“Sorry, I realize you haven’t had anyone to help you learn these things. I am more like your great-great-great grandfather. If that wasn’t your mate I’d tell you to get some payback for our den but I suppose he can be let off the hook.”

“Our den? Oh you mean my home, you lived there too?”

“I made the place, you think that nook on the body formed naturally? That took years to get right.”

“Well good job oldman, it was the best home I could’ve asked for!”

“Hey watch your mouth, I might’ve been a few thousand years old but I could still kick your ass.”

“Wait you were how fucking old?”

“If I remember right my last year alive was my four thousandth one, give or take a few years.”

“Am I going to live that long?”

“You might break a thousand, but once our kind started breeding with humans their lifespans decreased. I never got to see by how much so I can’t exactly give you a solid answer.”

“So I’m not a full fox?”

“No you’re likely the closest in our line to being a full human, not by too much though.”

“What happened to the rest of us then? If there were others that could live as long as you wouldn’t I have met them?”

“You would have yes, sadly humans like that old man came into the world. Our kind went uncontested in the world for too long, it made us arrogant to the newer things that came around. By the time humans developed the power to rival us it was too late. They adapted fast, and we couldn’t keep up, so your grandmother's generation took a necessary step to our survival. They found a way to exist as humans and mixed in with them. Then your mother’s generation perfected the skill. Finally, here you are.”

“So there could be others like me out there? Just hiding among humans instead of living alone?”

“I can’t rule out the possibility, but I won’t say it’s likely. Your powers make it too easy for humans to notice.”

“Like when I get too close to people and burn them?”

“Exactly, things like that bring in quite a bit of suspicion.”

“Why am I here exactly?”

“We’ve been keeping an eye on you from here, back long before your time it was much easier to contact our kind from here. A downside of breeding with humans was how it limited our ability to communicate with the living.”

“I’m here now though right? Am I, did I die?”

“Don’t worry, you’re not dead. You just happened to give into more of your fox side which allowed for this. I appreciate your lack of violence while being here though, your mother was… Much more aggressive.”

“You met my mom? Is she here?”

“Somewhere I’m sure, but we haven’t seen her. Before she left you in our family den we spoke, she was quite angry to be separated from you and raised quite a bit of hell.”

“Can I search for her? There’s so much I need to know about my past.”

“Maybe next time you find your way here, for now though I think you’re wanted back there.”

“How do you know that?”

“Listen.”

As instructed, Naruto focused, trying to hear what the fox did. After a few moments he could hear a faint banging sound. After he initially picked it up it began to grow louder, and with its increase in volume the world he was in began to fade.

“Take care kid, we’ll see you again I’m sure.”

As Naruto faded away the demons all turned to the fox. It rose back to its feet and stretched.

“Alright, everyone spread out and get looking!” the demons dispersed on its command. “Let’s find our boy’s mom already!”

As the world of fire vanished entirely his eyes flicked open. He was inside the orb, the banging from the outside of it now incredibly loud. He pushed against the wall of it, and as he did it broke open dropping him onto the ground and knocking the other two away.

“I told you he was in it!” Haku got back on his feet and came over to Naruto. “And he’s awake!”

“Haku? Where am I?”

“Uh, like a mile away from your home, we might have to get out of here though.”

“What why?”

“You uh, you kinda. You know.”

“You kinda blew up a city dude” Sasuke came over to them both. “And then the two of you destroyed more of the countryside. They might not send demon hunters at first, but someone is definitely gonna be coming here.”

“Oh shit I did all of this?” Naruto looked around at all the destruction, and stopped at the giant wolf. “What the fuck is that?”

“Long story.”

“Long story?”

“Haku can apparently make a giant ice wolf, I learned that earlier today too.”

“I can brag about how good I am at magic later, for now let’s get Naruto far away from here.”

“I got a place, just um. Don’t mention any of the demon stuff when we get there ok?”

“Got it” Naruto had some fear of hunters instilled in him recently.

“Alright, I’ll shrink the wolf and we can ride it to wherever.”

“Why didn’t you do this on the way here?”

“I couldn’t make a wolf that could withstand Naruto then.”

“What the hell changed?”

“I had a very eye opening experience when I nearly died in a volcano. Just shut up and get on the wolf.”

From the rubble of the village Teuchi saw the three of them depart. He’d spent the past twenty years keeping Naruto safe and trying to raise him. Once again he missed his chance to give him the only thing he still had from Kushina and Minato.

“I’m sorry Naruto” he watched the wolf disappear over the horizon. “Once this place is on its feet I’ll find you again, I promise.”

Hiruzen’s broken and burned body crawled its way forward. He’d lost everything he’d worked for these past twenty years in his final grab for power. Now he was a broken old man without much time left. As his lone arm pulled his body forward his eyes burned with hatred. Hatred for that woman who’d ruined his plan twenty years ago, hatred for her son who’d broken his control, and most of all hatred for those two who’d ruined everything. As his body began to fail, his soul twisted and darkened from this malice.

“Help” a wounded child cried out, trapped by some rubble. “Someone help me!”

As he crawled towards the child, the blood leaking from his body turned a grotesque black. With a final shriek the child was silenced and something terrible nourished itself.


	15. Trust me and my goth aesthetic please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are making it happen!!! the homestretch is in sight, and I will hopefully not go on another month-long dragon age bender! I also added a link to a discord server i made to my profile page? Idk if people would like to be able to harass me directly, but now you can!

It had been a few weeks since the incident. When news of it reached the guild Zabuza headed out immediately to try and find Haku. Most of the leads he chased ended in dead ends, the rest ended like his current night. In a bar full of killed hunters while he poured himself something behind the counter. Time wasn’t on his side and everyday he didn’t find Haku and the others was a day the hunters might have.

“I told you the trail of bodies would lead us to him” Kisame entered the bar followed by Itachi.

“I assumed you were speaking figuratively” Itachi surveyed the place for a clean stool to pull over to the bar.

“Well if you’re here for me you’re doing a shit job sneaking in” Zabuza poured Kisame a drink. “So I can only assume we’re still friends.”

“First of all, you think I’d pussyfoot my way after you?” Kisame flashed him a sharp grin and leaned onto the bar and picked up the drink. “Secondly, Itachi’s got a letter.”

“Specifically I have a letter from Sasuke. Given your recent activities I thought you’d want to read it as well.”

“How recent?”

“I got it a few days ago, so about as recent as it gets with secret letters” with that Itachi put it down on the bar counter for him.

“I owe you a few” Zabuza opened the letter and began to read.

‘Hey Itachi. Shit went sideways, I’m sure you’ve heard about it by now though. Brought Haku and Naruto to Kakashi’s place. He’s been very kind given the circumstances but we’ll have to move again soon, he’s kind of weird around Naruto. Don’t die, Sasuke.’

“Kakashi?”

“When our parents met their unfortunate end I couldn’t take Sasuke around with me. Kakashi was a friend of the family and a retired Merc. He does bear a very significant grudge against demons though.”

“What happened to your parents?” Zabuza didn’t actually know anything about the Uchiha boys.

“Long story short, I killed them.”

“And Sasuke is cool with that?”

“He doesn’t know, I assume you won’t tell him.”

“Yeah I’m no snitch fuck parents!”

“Good” Itachi reached into his robe and pulled out a crow. “This will show you the way to Kakashi’s place.”

“I know how to read a map you know.”

“I have a brand Zabuza, I do not deviate from it. Take the bird, keep my brother safe.”

“Thanks, I’m not exactly drowning in friends right now so I’m glad I can trust you two.”

“Don’t get soft on me, can’t have people knowing my blade brother is some kinda wuss.”

“Oh like you’re one to talk?” Zabuza gave him a look as he adjusted the stool for Itachi.

“I can take back helping you right now.”

“You won’t.”

“He’s right you won’t” Itachi put the letter away.

Kisame grumbled to himself before knocking back the rest of his drink. Zabuza finished his off as well and picked the bird up. He didn’t want to admit to having no idea what to do with the bird so he made his exit before making a fool of himself.

“Take care you two, hopefully we can meet up for a drink again.”

“Keep my brother alive and be good to my bird.”

“And keep your sword sharp bröther.”

With this new avian lead, Zabuza set off. The crow was very polite as it led him around, he’d expected it to just fly while he ran after it. The crow also kept him away from main roads, making it easier to avoid any unwelcome attention on the journey. Finally after three days of traveling he saw it. Kakashi’s unexpectedly large home, as well as his many dogs. More accurately, the dogs found him and went on the offensive.

“What the hell is all this noise for” a man Zabuza could only assume was Kakashi came out to investigate. “Why are you in a tree and bothering my dogs?”

“First of all” Zabuza already didn’t like this guy, he also had a face mask, that was his thing. “Your dogs fucking chased me up here. Secondly, I’m here for Haku and Naruto, maybe Sasuke too but not specifically.”

“In a weird way?”

“No not in a weird way, I raised Haku.”

“Well come down here then, they don’t bite.”

“YES THEY DO!”

“Alright give me a few minutes.”

Zabuza waited on his perch while Kakashi brought the dogs away from him. He couldn’t see any sign of the three he was here for from up in the tree, meaning they were probably inside the house still. Once the last dog was led away he climbed down and went inside with Kakashi. The place seemed to just have the essentials for one person to live here, not too surprising given the well hidden nature of the place.

“Sorry about the dogs. Sasuke was outraged I turned his room into the dog room and took the place over, meaning the dogs stay outside for now..”

“Given everything I know about him, that checks out. They’re all still here right?”

“Yeah somewhere.”

“It’s the middle of the day, are they here or are they out somewhere?”

“I don’t know?”

“What do you mean you don’t know? Isn’t this your house?”

“It is.”

“Are they here?”

“Might be?”

“Why don’t you know this?”

“They’re all adults they can do what they want. Just cause they’re all staying here doesn’t mean I need to babysit them.”

“Alright fine, I guess that’s fair.”

“How’d you find this place exactly?”

“Itachi gave me a bird and then the bird led me here.”

“A bird?”

“I know it sounds ridiculous, but I think you know Itahci and would agree it makes sense.”

“Hm” he looked up in thought.

“Hey Kakashi what’s for breakfast?” Sasuke entered the room in a pair of slightly undersized dog pajamas. “Oh hey Zabuza.”

“Sasuke have you been here the whole time?”

“Yeah we’ve just been sleeping upstairs.”

“And you didn’t know about that?” he gave Kakashi an accusing look.

“Must’ve slipped my mind, and eggs probably.”

“Can we have pancakes?”

“Yeah I guess.”

“You’ve been giving me the fucking run around here huh.”

“Just a little bit” Kakashi stood up and started pulling out ingredients. “Wanna help me make pancakes?”

“Are you gonna keep being a dodgy little shit?”

“No idea what you mean.”

With a heavy sigh Zabuza got up. He didn’t really have anything better to do, and didn’t want to risk walking in on any kind of hanky panky. Once there were a good amount of pancakes made, Sasuke returned with Haku and Naruto, they were also in what looked like kids pajamas.

“Not their babysitter my ass” Zabuza grumbled to himself.

“Zabuza?”

“Yo.”

“Why are you here?”

“I dunno, maybe to find my kid who’s on the run?”

“You have a child?” Naruto apparently didn’t understand their dynamic.

“He means me.”

“He’s your dad?”

“Naruto I have told you this before, I have explicitly referred to myself as Haku’s father to you.”

“I thought you were just mentioning some third unrelated person.”

“Back on topic” Haku decided to nip this argument in the bud. “You’re also here now, what are you planning to do now exactly?”

“Take you all somewhere else?”

“Which would be where?”

All eyes turned to Zabuza with that question. His mind raced, he didn’t have an actual location figured out yet.

“You know, just kind of all over.”

“And that’s safer than staying here because?”

“This place is hidden, sure, but it doesn’t move around. The longer people search the more likely they are to find it.”

“He kind of has a point” Sasuke spoke up after having finished eating. “The plan wasn’t to stay here too long and it’s almost been a month now.”

“Fine, Naruto what’s your thoughts on this?”

“It is nice here, but I can’t really do my thing here.”

“Your thing?”

“You know, training?”

“Naruto we’ve been training” Sasuke joined in the confusion train.

“I mean um, training but more?”

“Can someone translate for me what the hell he’s saying” Zabuza was very in the dark and not happy about it.

“Naruto, what are you trying to say?” Haku tried a gentler approach.

“I have to do stuff, that I can’t talk about or really explain.”

“Why can’t you explain it?”

“Truthfully, I don’t understand it, but my great grandfather can communicate with me if I train.”

“Ok, while you all were here” Zabuza assumed this meant Naruto had a lot of concussions. “Did he get hit on the head particularly hard or often?”

“I don’t think he did?” Haku looked him over. “Right you haven’t really been getting too intense in your training here.”

“It’s not that” Naruto took a deep breath, the gears in his head working double time. “I just, had a weird dream one time where my great grandfather talked to me. In that dream he told me I could talk to him again if I trained my special skill.”

“Special skill?” Kakashi decided to chime in now.

“Yes, my very secret special skill.”

“Can someone fill us in on this special skill?” Zabuza was glad Kakashi also didn’t know.

“Oh uh right” Haku picked up what Naruto was doing his best to not say. “Naruto found out he has, some uh…”

“Some family techniques” Sasuke picked up the lie. “When we met Teuchi, he gave Naruto some things from his family. Very secret.”

“Teuchi is who?”

“Ramen guy.”

“That means nothing to me.”

“The guy who let us out of jail when we first met Naruto?”

“Oh that guy” Zabuza also began piecing together what Naruto was trying to talk around. "Oh of course, his secret family techniques."

“So this random guy” Kakashi started trying to understand it all. “Gave Naruto something that has his secret family techniques on it, and he can’t practice them here?”

“Yes exactly.”

“Well I have one question about all that.”

“You do?”

“Naruto, do you know who your parents were?”

“Oh that’s easy” Naruto spoke up before Haku or Sasuke to try and make up some lie. “Nope!”

“I thought so” Kakashi put down his spatula. “Wait here.”

They all watched him leave the room and head to somewhere else in the house. Haku and Sasuke exchanged worried looks.

“I know he’s like, a guy who sort of raised you” Haku was whispering now. “But we might have to kill him.”

“We are not killing him!” Sasuke whispered back. “At most we knock him out and run away.”

“Fine.”

They all waited in silence, trying to figure out what all the sounds Kakashi was making could mean. Finally he returned with a box in his hands, this eased the tension slightly. At the very least they didn’t think he’d start attacking Naruto with a box.

“I can’t be entirely sure” Kakashi opened it up and pulled out some old photos and flipped through them. “But you sure look a lot like him.”

“Like who?” Naruto couldn’t actually see the pictures.

“Minato, he took me in once my dad died” Kakashi handed over some photos of him and Minato.

Everyone else gathered around Naruto to look at the pictures. Sure enough the man with Kakashi bore a striking resemblance to Naruto.

“Alright like, he’s blonde and also has blue eyes” Zabuza didn’t quite see it. “But so do a lot of people.”

“Well,we can try and figure this out” Haku felt like it was reasonable that this could be Naruto’s dad. “Naruto is like, twenty? Did this guy have any kind of wife or girlfriend or just some woman he knocked up like twenty years ago?”

“Haku that is like the worst way to phrase that question.”

“It’s not actually too inaccurate” Kakashi dug out another picture. “One of the last times I saw him he mentioned some woman he’d met and gave me this picture of her, wherever the hell I put it.”

“Why do you have so many pictures I’ve never seen?” Sasuke had never seen any of these or heard about Minato before. “And apparently a whole adoptive father I never heard about?”

“You didn’t ask.”

“I was like seven.”

“So.”

“What other secrets did you keep from me!”

“Do you still think my name is Kakashi?”

“ISN’T IT?”

“A lot then.”

Naruto and Haku ignored their squabbling as they looked over more of the photos. As they got older Minato resembled Naruto more and more. Each new picture Kakashi pulled out Naruto quickly snatched to peer over before dropping in an ever growing pile. Haku could tell he didn’t seem too interested in looking at most of these, or he might be avoiding burning them by accident hard to say.

“Ah here it is” Kakashi interrupted Sasuke mid rant about his ridiculously secretive habits. “If my hunch is right I think this your mom.”

Before he reached out to hand it to Naruto, the photo had already been snatched out of his hand. Haku peered over his shoulder at it. Minato was there again, accompanied by a red haired woman with violet eyes. The light sound of water sizzling caused Haku to shift his focus, Naruto was crying.

“Naru-” Zabuza interrupted him and pulled him away.

“Let him have this moment.”

The four of them sat in silence as Naruto continued to cry. The room was filled only by the occasional sizzling sound from his tears. Kakashi and Zabuza were the only two to notice what was wrong with this silence. Kakashi whistled for his dogs, but there was no reply from outside.

“Sasuke, get your friends in the bunker now” Kakashi stood up and moved to the door.

“What?” Sasuke focused for a second before getting moving. “Follow me.”

“They found us?” Haku turned to Zabuza looking for any hint about what it was.

“Something did alright, go with them” Zabuza pulled his sword from his back. 

“Just follow Sasuke, I know where to meet up with you all” Kakashi pulled some knives from various hidden spots.

Haku gave Zabuza a nod before grabbing Naruto and following Sasuke. When Kakahsi heard the bunker door close he opened the front door and the two went outside. Kakashi’s grip tightened as he saw the bodies of his dogs, whatever did this to them had hid itself. The two moved further from the door, going back to back to sweep the area. When they were about a hundred feet from the door the building blew up, the burning body of whoever had tried to sneak into flew past the two of them.

“Think there was just one?” Zabuza watched the body burn up.

“I hope not, I blew up my house for nothing then” Kakashi threw a knife into the body, it fell apart into a pile of burning dirt.

The two jumped away as the ground below them opened up into a pit of earthen spikes. As they both looked around more bodies made of earth rose from the ground. Zabuza didn’t like their odds against the earth mage doing all of this.

“The mage is nearby, they’ll have to be for magic like this” Kakashi uncovered his left eye, revealing an entirely black eye. “Try not to die while I find them.”

Zabuza grunted an affirmation as he swung through one of the bodies. They were tougher to cut through than a normal person, but he had a big sword and it was very good at cutting through things. As he dug into the fight he hoped Haku and the others wouldn’t just end up in a fight too. Deep down he knew they'd run into something, wanting to meet back up with them as soon as possible he grit his teeth. He was an angry father with a big sword, these things didn't stand a snowball's chance in hell.


	16. Out of a sequence of ever increasingly large frying pans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've been saying to myself like non-stop "ok THIS is the final chapter" and i've been lying everytime it turns out oops! But for real! Chapter 17 will be the end! And I will do my best to have it out before the end of august!

The three advanced down the tunnel, Haku had grabbed the box off the table while Naruto clung onto the one of his mother. Sasuke led them further into it, having practiced navigating it in the dark. The two of them stopped when they heard the explosion behind them.

“NO DO NOT STOP!” Sasuke went behind them and started shoving. “THE BLAST WILL ALSO COLLAPSE SOME OF THE TUNNEL.”

“WHY” Haku did not understand this ridiculous defense system. “WHY IS THERE AN EXPLOSION?”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP AND RUN!”

Not needing anymore prompting Haku and Naruto began sprinting as Sasuke guided them. It was hard at first with the few bumps the two hit, but as the tunnels only twenty feet behind them started collapsing, they managed. Finally Sasuke saw the threshold for a part that wasn’t rigged to collapse and let them rest.

“WHAT” Haku took some heavy breaths. “THE FUCK.”

“Kakashi is um, very paranoid. I admit, he may go overboard fairly often.”

“What was the first explosion?” Naruto had managed to catch his breath now.

“Oh that was the house.”

“Sasuke.”

“Yes?”

“Do you mean to tell me, the house we stayed at was rigged to blow up at any moment?”

“Well no not at any moment, just if someone is in the tunnel and someone else attempts to enter the house. Scared the hell out of Itachi when Kakashi was giving me tunnel training one day.”

“I’m just going to ignore the fact that your father figure apparently blows his house up for fun.”

“Not for fun, for safety.”

“I don’t feel very safe.”

“Neither do I Naruto.”

“But, we can’t be followed! Which I think is very safe.”

“That is a good point, I do feel safer now thank you.”

“You’re welcome Naruto.”

“Can’t they just follow the collapsed ground on the surface and then dig down?”

“What no” Sasuke looked upwards at the ceiling of this room. “Well, ok yes someone could do that.”

“I feel less safe now Sasuke.”

“Let’s get a move on” he grabbed a lantern from this room and opened one of the doors leading out of the room.

With a source of light and no threat of impending tunnel collapse the three went at an average pace. Haku and Sasuke hoped their respective father figures would be alive enough to find them, but neither wanted to voice these hopes for fear of jinxing it. Naruto was in his own daze, the whiplash of finding out more about his family and then having to flee kept his mood down. So for the first time ever that the three of them had been together, they traveled in silence. It was hard to tell how long they traveled before hitting another restroom, a downside to the magic lantern. This room was at least ventilated somewhat, offering up more than just the stale air of the tunnels. They decided to take a break from walking for a short while.

“Any chance there’s food stashed in here?” Haku had heard Naruto’s stomach rumble a little while ago and was a little hungry himself.

“Probably something small” Sasuke began to search the room.

Haku watched Naruto, he was just blankly staring at the photo still. He couldn’t fully understand Naruto’s current emotional state, not having had a very good relationship with his original parents. Hoping to avoid any kind of complications he just let Naruto sit there as Sasuke came over.

“So I found some food bars, and” Sasuke leaned in close to whisper. “A small thing of instant ramen.”

The two looked at Naruto quickly, taking his lack of reaction to mean he did not hear that.

“Great, I don’t think we could get him to eat these bars” Haku looked over the one Sasuke handed him, it just said FOOD on its packaging. “Think it’ll be ok to make it for him now? It might help snap him out of whatever this mood is.”

“Yeah there’s some water I can boil for it” he began preparing the instant ramen.

“Hey Naruto” Haku decided to check in on him while the ramen was being made. “You doing alright?”

“Not really, Kakashi might be dead, and without him I can’t really learn more about my family.”

“We’ve got pictures now! I’m sure one of them says your parents' names so we can start looking into them.”

“Well” Naruto put the one with his mom on it down, Haku could see the small burn on it where he’d held it. “Maybe for my dad?”

“Oh. Well maybe someone who knew him will know her too?’

“Or maybe I just messed up and I’m not going to learn anything else about my mom” Naruto was beginning to spiral. “If I had just, waited and focused I wouldn’t have burned the photo. Instead I was stupid and I don’t even know her name now.”

“Hey don’t beat yourself up” Haku pulled him into a hug. “We’ll figure it out once we’re a bit more safe I promise.”

Naruto just nodded before pulling Haku closer. The two had managed to figure out a good temperature range to avoid any steam burns from touching. Sasuke had made them do this since he didn’t enjoy getting hit by steam while they all tried to sleep.

“And some good news” Sasuke came over with a piping hot bowl of ramen. “We’ve got your favorite in stock.”

Naruto happily took the bowl and began to eat. The other two watched and grimaced at their food bars, deciding to just eat later. Haku decided to watch the leftover steam from the cooking swirl and go up the vent. After a few moments he realized this might be a very big issue.

“Hey Sasuke?”

“Yeah?”

“How well hidden do you think the vents on the surface are?”

“Pretty well hidden I think?”

“Ok, so if a bunch of steam rose from it no one would see it?”

“You know, I didn’t think about that. Might have gone overboard boiling that water.”

Before Haku could say anything else the room they were in began to violently shake. The two leapt over to Naruto and Haku began to form a barrier around them. This proved to be a very good idea as the rooms ceiling split open revealing the sky. Before they could react, the ground below them catapulted them into the air. A few moments later and they all laid in a pile together surrounded by shattered ice.

“What the hell?” Haku recognized the approaching voice. “The fuck are you two doing here?”

“Nice to see you too Hidan” Haku climbed to his feet and helped the other two up. “Why are you here?”

“Money” Kakuzu came over as well. “Looking for some demon.”

Sasuke gave Haku a very concerned look at that comment. He just grimaced and shrugged in reply. 

“And you came here looking for that because?”

“Well Zabuza’s been running all over ever since the bounty went up. So I’ve been following him, no way am I letting him get that reward.”

“How much is it for exactly?”

“Ten million.”

“So we definitely cannot pay him off” Haku whispered this to Sasuke. 

“How well do you know this guy?”

“I used to take jobs with him since he’s like three hundred years old and really good at killing people.”

“So we also can’t kill him?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“Hey quit whispering!” Hidan came over to the two of them. “Whatever you’re talking about has to be spoken loudly so God can hear you!”

“Just about how crazy a coincidence this is” Sasuke started trying to improv some lies. “I mean what are the chances of you throwing us out of our underground bunker.”

“Not high and a waste of time since you aren’t demons” Kakuzu grumbled this out.

“That’s so right!” Haku followed the lead. “None of us three are demons, no sir.”

“But” Naruto began to speak, only for them both to glare at them. “But uh. We saw one?”

“Oh great where” Kakuzu quickly got in his face to question him.

“That way” Haku pointed to where he thought the blown up house would be. “It’s why we went to hide underground.”

“Great, Hidan let’s go. Papa wants that money.”

“I hate it when he calls himself papa.”

The three watched them rush towards the direction Haku indicated. Once they were out of sight they all let out a large collective sigh.

“Naruto you are doing so much better at these social cues.”

“Thanks!”

The three quickly continued their fleeing, not wanting Kakuzu to realize the lie and catch up too quickly. Returning to the underground tunnels was out, but they had to get somewhere that was less open. Sasuke took the lead and started towards the woods nearby, he still knew where their destination was but would have to improvise a new route there. It didn’t take long for another wrench to be thrown into their escape. Sasuke threw the two of them aside as a massive snake flew into him smashing him through a tree.

“Naruto take care of the snake” Haku knew exactly what this meant and liked his chances dealing with it over Naruto’s.

“On it” he let his arms shift into larger fox ones and grabbed hold of the snake as it slithered on, now taking Naruto with it as well.

“Oh hoh hoh, I didn’t take you for such a hero” Orochimaru entered the newly made clearing and stared down Haku. “But this can be a lot easier than you’re about to make.”

“I’m not giving you Naruto so just shut the hell up and fight me.”

“What about Sasuke? Are you really that attached to him?”

“I…” Haku would later on deny hesitating while thinking over this proposition, he would, of course, not deny agreeing to it . “Might not be.”

“Then I think we can make a deal, I will help you and Naruto, was it, get somewhere safer, and I get Sasuke.”

“Where is this safer place exactly?”

“About ten miles south of here, some strings can be pulled and some deaths faked. Going once.”

Haku’s options weren’t good, he was well aware of that. He didn’t know what was wanted from Sasuke by Orochimaru, but Sasuke had certainly never talked about him as a great person before. He was very well aware of what would happen if he refused this deal, and the certain death that would bring.

“Going twice.”

He clenched his fists. It left a bad taste in his mouth, but he knew Sasuke would have done the same thing. He opened his mouth to speak, only to pause a flock of crows twisted around Orochimaru.

“Get going” Itachi descended from a nearby tree.

“Ok no” Haku had had enough of people mysteriously finding them. “How did you know where we are?”

“Obviously I followed Zabuza here after giving him directions and then once the house blew I started scanning the area.”

“Alright that’s good enough for me.”

“And give this to Sasuke” Itachi produced a letter. “In case I can’t be there to tell him myself.”

“Oh well isn’t that sweet” the crows surrounding him dispersed and Orochimaru began to advance. “It’s been quite sometime since you wiggled your way out of my hands, let’s see if you’re still as slippery as before.”

Haku took the letter and ran after Naruto and Sasuke. If Itachi was telling to book it he wasn’t going to stick around for that fight. He soon ran into the two of them from the other direction, Sasuke looked a bit worse for wear.

“No time explain” Haku grabbed them both and went deeper into the woods. “Your brother is fighting snake guy.”

“Why is he here?”

“Followed Zabuza.”

“Who didn’t follow Zabuza here?”

“I really don’t want to find out, so less complaining and more fleeing!”

Ignoring the occasional shaking of the earth the three made it to the otherside of the forest after close to an hour of running. They stopped for a short breather and so Sasuke could further figure out their route.

“Ok, we just need to get from here to a mountain range about two miles to the west.”

“How did he have a tunnel system that went that far?”

“Well it wasn’t going to be a fully underground journey, there’s a river boat part of it, a three hundred foot tall wall to scale, and I think half a mile of an underwater tunnel.”

“I’m not normally one to judge, but Kakashi has issues.”

“Oh so many issues, but at the very least this particular issue he has is helping us.”

“I guess you’re right, Naruto are you ready to keep moving?”

“Uh yeah” he seemed a little spaced out. “Can either of you hear that?”

“What stage of bad situation is Naruto hearing things?” Sasuke didn’t like that.

“It’s like someone is whispering my name and then every few moments yelling it.”

“Oh that’s the incredibly bad stage” Haku also didn’t like that. “When did this start?”

“Uh, two hours ago?”

“And you didn’t mention it because?”

“There were other more pressing issues.”

“I’m giving you this one, you did save Sasuke from a large snake. Any idea why you’re hearing this?”

“It might be my demon ancestor trying to talk to me? Since they can apparently do that from the great beyond.”

“I thought you had to be all demon’d out for that?” Sasuke had loosely heard this explanation a while ago.

“Maybe it’s easier since I talked to them all once already?”

“Ok, solution oriented thinking. Can you ignore it while we flee some more, or do you need to get into the demon zone and talk to them?”

“I feel like it’s important so I should talk to them.”

“Ok, Sasuke, sidebar” Haku took him a few feet away. “What do we do?”

“Should we let him do it now? I would like a lot more distance between me and Orochimaru before we have to stop for too long.”

“That is fair, I also would like some more distance since by now Kakuzu has definitely found out we lied to him.”

“Ok, we tell him to hold off on it and move faster then.”

“Sounds like a plan, end sidebar” the two went back over to Naruto. “We need you to hold off on it till we’re further away.”

“I guess I can? How much longer exactly?”

“Two miles, one mountain” Sasuke started off towards the next destination.

“I’ll just try and ignore it then.”

The three continued their journey, doing their best to stay mostly out of sight. They were of course being watched, this time by two separate beings. The first is a massive fox doing its best to get Naruto to talk to it.

“Dammit Naruto” the fox could easily see the demon following them with its magic scrying. “Talk to me it will take like two minutes to warn you.”

The rest of the demons surrounding the fox were doing their best to call out to him as well. Unlike before there were only three other fox demons, as the rest were still searching. The fox cursed to itself, if the others were with it they could pool together and talk to him directly.

“He should be able to feel it too right?” one of the smaller foxes spoke up. “It’s one of the only other demons for hundreds of miles.”

“Unfortunately he lacks any kind of sensing ability” if he survived the rest of the day the fox would be sure to beat those skills into his head for the future. “And of course the human with him that could sense it hasn’t needed to activate that power.”

“Five fire gems he bites it here” another fox placed a bet.

“I’ll raise you ten he doesn’t” the third fox took up the bet.

“DO NOT BET ON THE POTENTIAL END OF OUR SPECIES!”

“Yes boss.”

“Sorry boss.”

“You should be” the fox growled at them before returning its focus to the scrying. “The kid’s going to need a damn miracle.”

The second thing watching them did so from much closer. It’s body no longer gave off magic a human could detect normally. Every second it saw them the creature wanted to attack, to rip them to pieces right then and there. Yet it didn’t. It waited, suppressed those base instincts, and stalked after them. When safety was within their reach, it would shred the hope right form their very souls and feed on the agony. All that remained of Hiruzen within this creature now was his burning hatred. He was assured one thing before control of his body was taken, that hatred would spark a great flame. The creature felt giddy thinking about it, and that feeling only grew in intensity as the group's destination grew close. The foxes were powerless to do anything aside from watch as they were enveloped by this danger.

“Boss!” another fox arrived, out breath from it’s sprint here. 

“What is it?”

“We found her.” 

With a renewed determination the great fox took off, it picked up the other to use as a guide. It knew they had one final chance to help Naruto, but their window was shrinking quickly.


	17. Yeah fuck this mountain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here. It. Is!!! I guess? Idk no one ever tells you ending a story is hard when you start them. I might try and avoid any stories longer than a few chapters in the future, but i am a dumb bitch so we'll see about that!

Naruto woke up in daze, his vision blurry and ears ringing. He tried to climb to his feet but struggled to raise his body with one arm. As he fell back to his side he tried to see what was wrong with his right arm, only now noticing his lack of one. As he stared at the stump his mind cleared and he began to remember what had brought him to this moment.

“Hopefully Kakashi stocked some more instant ramen here” Haku began to wander the few rooms of the safe house Sasuke had led them to. “Otherwise it’s on you to feed Naruto whatever’s here.”

“Don’t worry” Sasuke had gone right to the small kitchen to check. “We’ve got lots of soup, and that’s a lot like ramen.”

“If it’s all the same to you both” Naruto looked at the can of soup Sasuke held up. “I actually wouldn’t mind trying my luck with the hunters.”

“Right you weren’t there for that, Naruto does not like soup.”

“Who doesn’t like soup?”

“Me.”

Sasuke sighed and put the can away. The safe house was built into the side of an isolated mountain, they wouldn’t have any easy way to get ramen for him. Haku looked over the few things he now had on his person and remembered the letter.

“Oh Itachi gave me this for you, and since we’re not actively running” he put it down by Sasuke. “You could probably read it while Naruto does his ancestor talking.”

“Actually the voices stopped a little bit ago” Naruto found a good spot to sit and relax at. “So I figure I’ll just wait til they start back up.”

“Perfect now we can both watch Sasuke read this letter from his brother, in a very polite and not nosy way.”

“I’ll read it outloud” Sasuke knew this would be easier than having him try to read it discreetly.

Haku sat down next to Naruto while Sasuke opened the letter up. Having grown up with Zabuza he’d missed out on having a family drama so he got his fixes from the Uchiha.

“Hello Sasuke. If you’re reading this then I may never see you again, I’m sorry I won’t be able to help celebrate your [insert age] birthday. I have always tried to do right by you as an older brother, and so I wrote this to come clean on a few things. First, when you turned four I was the one who ate your birthday cake that night I just faked a raccoon to avoid being punished. Second, the magic holiday fae don’t actually exist, it has just been me or Kakashi giving you presents. Third, this is likely the biggest of my confessions. I technically have a son. I just haven’t ever met him so feel free to look him up if you want a nephew. Love Itachi. Ps. I killed our parents.”

Haku and Naruto stared at him as he finished reading the letter in a stunned silence. Sasuke’s face was covered by the letter so they had no way of knowing what he was thinking about or how he’d taken that last line. 

“THAT BASTARD” Sasuke punched his fist through a nearby wall, causing the two of them to jump. “I’VE BEEN KILLING EVERY RACCOON I SEE BECAUSE OF THAT CAKE.”

This was not the response the two of them expected.

“HE COULD’VE JUST TOLD ME THE TRUTH ABOUT IT, YES I WOULD’VE BEEN MAD BUT I WAS FOUR I THINK THAT’S JUSTIFIED FOR A FOUR YEAR OLD.”

Naruto opened his mouth to say something, Haku put a hand on his shoulder and shook his head. 

“THIS KID OF HIS BETTER NOT BE FOUR I’M GONNA EAT THAT FUCKERS CAKE AND RUIN THE HOLIDAYS FOR HIM.”

“Sasuke” Naruto decided to finally speak up, earning him a burning look from Sasuke. “I think, maybe, you shouldn’t do that.”

“Well obviously I shouldn’t do it, but I’m still going to.”

There was a weird silence that filled the room. Naruto wasn’t sure how to cope with Sasuke clearly choosing the path of evil when he didn’t have to. Sasuke smoldered over the injustices of his past.

“Ok is no one going to point out the very important fourth thing from the letter?” Haku had waited a respectable amount of time before speaking.

“Fourth thing? Oh the post script.”

“YES! Do you not care about that?”

“Oh I already knew about that, it was like literally the worst kept secret.”

“You knew he killed your parents? Did you just not care about that?”

“Well like, our dad kinda really messed Itachi up as a kid. So when I came of age for the super child soldier training Itachi very ominously came into my room at night and whispered, to my not sleeping self, about not letting it happen to me too. It was not the most surprising thing when our parents were then dead.”

“He literally thought you didn’t know this whole time.”

“Well he should have killed our parents in a much more discreet way then.”

Haku didn’t know what to say to that, so he just sat there silently. Sasuke just fumed over the letter to himself while looking for something to cover the hole he’d made. Naruto just sat there not very sure of what exactly was going on. In an attempt to distract Sasuke from his feelings, Haku decided to start making some food. 

“Can one of you light the stove for me?” he didn’t see the need in finding a match with both of them around.

“Yea sure” Sasuke tossed some wood into it and lit a fire.

Haku made a note to check the chimney of it later, there was an odd amount of smoke coming out of it. Of course that was an issue for later, so he focused on cooking the soup.

“Are you burning something?” Sasuke came back into the kitchen to investigate, the smoke having spread to the other rooms.

“No, I think the chimney for this thing is closed or jammed. I’ll check it after I’m done cooking this.”

“I guess that makes sense for how much smoke there is” he wasn’t too sure of this, but couldn’t think of another explanation.

He stood and watched the pot of soup. After ten minutes of waiting around Haku was sure it should at least be boiling by then. He touched the stove top, but it was still cool. Confused he opened up the compartment. He’d seen Sasuke ignite the logs within it, but there they sat, lightly charred yet pouring smoke into the room.

“H-” he stood up to call for Sasuke again but the words choked in his throat.

He tried to smash the wall to get someone’s attention, but the smoke solidified around him binding his limbs as well. 

“Shhh” as he lost consciousness Haku could hear the smoke, its voice almost familiar to him.. “You’ll all be together soon enough.”

Naruto had been sitting a bit away from Sasuke while Haku cooked in the other room. It’d taken a while but the smoke had finally cleared from the room, meaning they could reseal the entrance. Sasuke headed into the room to check on the food, only to see a lack of Haku. He did find a note next to some bowls.

“Went to fix the chimney” Sasuke read it to himself. “Hm, explains why the smoke stopped. Hey Naruto, the food is ready!”

“Is it soup?”

“Uh, no?”

“Good, I hate soup.”

“Uh actually, I’ll grab you some of it, you just wait out there” Sasuke tried to think of a solution to his current soup predicament.

Mentally preparing himself to hold Naruto down and possibly drown him with soup Sasuke only poured the one bowl. With a deep breath he approached the blonde.

“What’s in that bowl.”

“Ramen.”

“Let me see it.”

“No just trust me, and um, close your eyes.”

“I’ve heard that before Sasuke, that doesn’t smell like ramen. What’s in the bowl.”

“You’ll find out if you trust me.”

“No.”

“Just, open your mouth.”

“No.”

“Look. It’s soup. I need you to eat this soup.”

“No! I refus-” as Naruto began to refute this soup Sasuke leapt forward and began pouring in his open mouth. “Hjgjrgkegnergkjergnje”

“JUST SHUT UP AND EAT THE SOUP” he’d managed to wedge the bowl edge into his mouth to keep the soup pouring into it.

“ABHJHSEFJ ITNSNSWOIEJFBJI”

“SHHHHHHH”

After a few moments of futile struggling Naruto gave up and swallowed the soup. His mouth bent up in a frown at Sasuke.

“It’s the only food we have I’m sorry.”

“Did it have to be cold and gross?”

“What? It’s not cold.”

“Yes it was, here” Naruto flicked some of the remaining soup in the bowl on him.”

“A” his yelp of pain paused as he realized it wasn’t actually hot. “But, Haku’s been cooking it? Why is it so cold?”

“Well” Naruto looked deep in thought. “If Haku was alone in the other room cooking it, and isn’t there now, but left the soup out for us. It can only mean one thing.”

“Oh god he got kidnapped while cooking!”

“What? No that’s crazy, he clearly just wanted to mess with us and didn’t actually cook it.”

Sasuke thought over what Naruto had just said. It almost made said sense? Before he could put forward any other theories, something hooked around him from behind and ripped him away.

“WHAT” Naruto tried to leap after him but crashed to the floor, whatever it was had grabbed him and vanished.

He scanned his surroundings. The entrance was still sealed so it had to still be inside with him somewhere. As he searched the room for any signs of what had just taken Sasuke he failed to notice what slowly floated towards his feet. Two small smoky tendrils extended out from under the chair he’d been sitting on earlier. They slithered towards his legs preparing to link up around them.”

“BELOW YOU” a voice roared inside his head warning him of the danger.

Following its guidance Naruto looked down in time to see the tendrils. He dove forward to escape them and blasted a wave of flames back where they came from. As the ash settled all he could see was the mark he’d charred onto the wall, and the smoldering remains of that chair. Scrambling to his feet he quickly spun around, searching all corners of the room for any other smoky things.

“Loud voice in my head, more help would be appreciated” he didn’t know what was going on or what the hell he was dealing with.

“DEMON …. FIGHT … CAN’T …. LOSE” Naruto didn’t quite understand all the weird static in the message, but understood the words.

“Alright weird smoke demon, come on out and fight me!”

To his immense surprise, it did. The smoke began pouring into the room from all over and congealed a few feet in front of him. It appeared as a masked person in a robe, the right sleeve hung limp against its side. He noticed the smoke didn’t disappear entirely into it, a small cloud of it still hovered behind it.

“Ok well, thank you for making that part easy” he was glad this demon at least seemed polite. “I guess we’ll get to the fighting then?”

The demon's mask tilted to the side at that. Naruto hesitated at its lack of aggression, something that was a rather large mistake. In his moment of hesitation its left arm swept upwards and a pillar of black smoke blasted into him. He was thrown through the ceiling of the room and outside of the safe house. He crashed onto the mountain's exterior incredibly bruised and with a cracked head.

“It raining?” Naruto used a nearby rock to climb onto his feet, the world around him spinning as he tried to check his surroundings. “Huh musf be me.”

He could barely make out the cloud of smoke approaching him, he was able to see the masked figure as it formed in front of him once more. It cocked its mask to the side again while looking him over.

“Boryifend” Naruto’s mouth had difficulty forming the words as he blasted the demon with a wall of fire. “Stoler.”

As his attack dispersed he saw the smoke begin to form in on him and blasted it again. He fired off blast after blast into the cloud of smoke and dust before him. With each attack his vision became clearer, helping him determine he should fire another since it was still there. Finally after he’d fired off eight blasts he stopped. As the smoke in the air before him didn’t attempt to fly towards him, he let out a sigh of relief.

“FUCK” this was cut short as blade of smoke shot upwards slicing through his right bicep.

Before he could try and attack with his left arm a tendril of smoke solidified into a claw and grabbed him by the head. He could only assume it based his skull against the rock as his memories stopped there. He finally checked his surroundings now that those loose memories had fallen back into place, he was within a molten crater in the land of the fire demons. Judging from the lack of ancestors, he didn’t think he’d be making it back this time.

“Hello!” he called out, he wasn’t surrounded like last time so he’d have to try and find someone. “Is anyone here!”

It was hard to tell if the sound he heard was in reply to him, but he was sure he heard something. With a massive amount of effort he climbed his way out of it. From this new vantage point he could see thousands of other craters like the one he’d just climbed out of. He looked for the source of the sound, and quickly saw the massive fox in the distance. He could tell it was going away from him.

“Wonder if being dead stops exhaustion” he took a deep breath and started to follow the fox.

It was slow, his human form couldn’t cover as much distance but he didn’t want to figure out fox form being down a limb. He ran for what felt like months, refusing to stop for anything in his journey. Finally he could see them, like his first visit to this world there was a circle of demons around the massive crater. The massive fox was easy to see amongst them. With a final push he shoved in between two demons and fell into the crater.

“WHERE THE HELL IS” the massive fox paused mid yell as it saw Naruto tumble down the side of the crater. “Oh no.”

“Yeah no one uh” Naruto slowly pulled himself up. “No one help the one armed guy up, real cool everybody.”

“Naruto” he snapped his head towards that voice, and saw his mother once again.

“Mom.”

The other demons watched in silence, many having similar experiences once arriving here. Naruto didn’t know what to do, he’d never really put thought into what he was supposed to do if he ever met a parent. It was lucky for him that she knew exactly what to do. As quick as she could she closed the distance between them and enveloped Naruto in a hug. Overwhelmed by this sudden feeling, all he could do was cry. He cried for the life he never got to know growing up alone, for his mother and the life she should have had. Most of all he cried for the knowledge that he couldn’t stay here with her. What felt like lifetimes passed before he was ready to speak.

“Mom there’s so much I want to say, but I-”

“You can’t stay” she pulled away from and smiled. “And I don’t want you to. I didn’t die so you could be robbed of a life too.”

Once again unsure of what to say, all he could do was smile back.

“Not to ruin that sentiment” the large fox spoke up. “But he is well, he’s dead. There isn’t exactly a way back for that one.”

“He’s right” she sighed. “That did kind of ruin the sentiment.”

“So you have a plan to cheat death?”

“I just might” she cast her gaze to Naruto’s missing arm.

“Well, CHOP CHOP PEOPLE WE MIGHT NOT BE EXTINCT JUST YET.”

Haku woke up to not his favorite situation. His limbs were bound and he was hanging upside down. He couldn’t be entirely sure, but was pretty sure he was also tied to Sasuke.

“We have got to stop getting trapped together” to wipe away his doubt Sasuke spoke up. “Might give people the wrong idea about us.”

“Yeah people are gonna start calling you clingy if you keep this up.”

“Me? Clingy? I dumped you, remember.”

“Hm, no can’t say I do.”

“Denial can only get you so far when our lives are very close to ending.”

“HEY SMOKE MONSTER CAN YOU KILL HIM FIRST SO I CAN BE IN DENIAL FOR LONGER?”

“Very mature.”

“It’s worth a shot, any idea what this thing is?”

“Well, it sure is made of smoke?”

“I’ll take that as a no.”

“Not a damn thing.”

“Well I’m sure it followed Zabuza to us like everyone else.”

“Yeah that’s a given at this point.”

“You think it wanted us or Naruto?”

“Well I don’t see him tied up here, so I think just us.”

“Maybe it just left him alone and he’s safe then.”

“I appreciate the optimism but I doubt it. Of course let’s not count Naruto out, maybe he killed it?”

To prove Sasuke wrong, smoke poured into the room and swirled at its center. Slowly the robed figure formed out of it. They could see parts of its robe body had scorch marks on it.

“Ha Naruto kicked its ass and it came runni-”

He was interrupted by the demon throwing Naruto’s severed arm at his face.

“What made that sound?” Haku couldn’t see what’d hit Sasuke.

“Oh shit.”

“I can’t see it, tell me what it is!”

“I think, I’m pretty sure it’s Naruto’s right arm.”

“Oh shit.”

Haku glared at the masked demon, he wanted to rip it pieces more than he’d ever wanted anything before. His glare wavered as a strangely familiar laughter filled the room. He couldn’t place it but he knew it.

“Oh this might help” it’s voice gave him the same feeling as it reached for the mask.

It pulled it lower, revealing only the eyes. Haku’s breath caught as he met those eyes. A pair that matched his own brown eyes, his father’s eyes. All at once his rage came back as he began to flail against his restraints.

“I’LL KILL YOU.”

That laughter filled the room again, echoing inside his head and fueling the rage further. His restraints disappeared and he fell to the floor. Throwing himself back on his feet he lunged towards the demon only for it to vanish in a cloud of smoke.

“What are you doing!” he turned back to the origin of the voice, there he was again. “Haku what the hell are you doing!”

Sasuke climbed to his feet having been released with Haku. He watched him thrash at a cloud of that smoke before calling out to him. He backed away as he saw Haku’s eyes, there was something wrong with him.

“I don’t care how you made it out” Haku took a heavy step towards the man he believed was his father. “But I promise, you’ll wish you hadn’t.”

Sasuke held out a hand to him trying to reach him. Haku stepped forward and plunged a blade of ice through the center of his hand. Sasuke clenched his jaw in pain, pushing through it he swept Haku’s legs and pushed him down with his good hand. He didn’t go down easily and used his legs to trip Sasuke as well. Soon enough Haku was on top of him, wielding two ice blades and trying to slice him apart. He grimaced and used the already impaled hand to stop one of the blades, letting it sink into his forearm. He used his good arm to grab the other wrist and struggled against Haku.

“Stop! It’s me!” he tried to get him to see the truth.

“Funny” Haku pushed harder with both blades. “When I said that you just stabbed me again!”

Beneath its mask the demon smiled. Watching Sasuke struggle for his life against Haku was everything it could have ever wanted. It couldn’t wait for the grand finale of the show, and so it moved in to fan the flames inside Haku more.

“It’s only fair isn’t it” small streams of black smoke drifted into his ears. “He should have scars to match your own.”

Sasuke could see the smoke and felt the effect it had on Haku. His arm couldn’t handle much more he knew that, he had to try something else. 

“Sorry buddy” Sasuke took a deep breath and let go of one arm.

As the blade sank between his ribs Sasuke ignited the air in the room. With his free arm he threw Haku to the side and covered him. As blood dripped onto Haku he eyes lost their murderous intent. The visage of his father left Sasuke, and he realized what he'd done.

“Sasuke I” he let the blade in his arm melt, focusing and the one he’d sunk into a lung. “I didn’t, it wasn’t you I-”

“Just uh” Sasuke gave him a bloody smile. “And I don’t usually say this, but please don’t pull out.”

“THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR A SEX JOKE” Haku restrained himself from hitting the already very injured Sasuke.

Slowly he repositioned Sasuke so he was back laying on the ground. Haku didn’t have any magical means to try and fix this, and only basic first aid knowledge was not going to fix this. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the smoke begin to swirl and reform once again. The demon once again stared down at the two of them, this time it was significantly more burned.

“Igniting the air with your dying breath” it spoke in a chorus of voices Haku knew but couldn’t place. “A brave move.”

“Blow it out your ass” Sasuke had some choice potential last words.

“Well, you’ve already ruined my show, I’ll just put you down.”

The smoke swirled in front of it and formed a blade for the demon. Taking the sword it approached the two of them. Haku couldn’t peel his eyes away from the sword that would likely spell both their ends. Sasuke instead watched something strange. The severed arm that remained after his last attack. It now laid on the floor giving off a dim orange glow. As he watched the glow grew stronger. He couldn’t be sure if it was the ice blade in his lung slowly killing him, or magic of some kind, but he felt Naruto.

“You think they made it?” Zabuza was being helped along by Kakashi as they traveled to the safe house.

“Given everything I’ve seen in the past day” Kakashi looked towards the mountain. “Probably not.”

As a massive red arm blasted out of the mountainside the two stopped. Kakashi had been filled in on some missing Naruto information, but that did not prepare him for this. Zabuza saw the massive fox emerge, and felt compelled to smile for some reason.

“I think you might wanna change your mind on that one.”

On the mountain things had changed drastically for Haku. In an instant Naruto’s demon form grew from the severed arm that had been abandoned on the floor. Just as quickly he blasted their way out of the mountain. He held onto Sasuke as they were picked up by the tail. Haku wasn’t sure what had changed since the last time Naruto entered this form, but appreciated it not burning them to a crisp.

“Sorry I’m late!” it was weird hearing his normal voice come out of a massive fox head.

“You missed my super funny joke!” Sasuke was somehow still alive.

Unfortunately, so was the smoke demon. It reformed hovering at Naruto’s head level. It was of course rather annoyed to see him alive again.

“YOUR CORPSE IS LITERALLY RIGHT THERE!” it pointed at that very dead body of Naruto.

“Yeah but when you cut that arm off I was still alive so it was still alive so it all works out” Naruto didn’t remember how this whole thing worked, but remembered it was related to the arm. “My mom said it would work so you know, take it up with her?”

“You know what” the demon sighed as more of the smoke began to circle around it. “Fine. I’ll just kill you again. Even if you ruined what I had going on in there.”

Naruto wrapped his tail around Haku and Sasuke to help secure them. The demon lashed out with a massive smoke blade that Naruto leapt over. This was a poor choice for dodging as the demon then shot harpoons into him. Without the element of surprise, and Naruto being in his demon form, these attacks weren’t as deadly as before. Without fear of getting killed Naruto let a flame begin to charge in his mouth. Landing with a few extra holes he ignored the pain to aim his own attack.

“Ah” the smoke demon realized it might be a bit too outclassed now.

Naruto unleashed a massive jet of flame from his mouth. It completely enveloped the smoke demon. It didn’t stop there of course. The torrent of flames spread forming a massive pillar of fire around Naruto. Across hundreds of miles people could see the pillar as it reached towards the sky. Naruto was sure he’d got the demon with his attack, he’d also managed to paint the world largest target on himself.

“I may have gone overboard.”

It took Haku a few moments to reply, as he saw the flames begin to spread he’d formed a barrier for Sasuke and himself. As it melted he saw the pillar slowly disperse above them. 

“We should get a move on Naruto, if anyone wasn’t already following Zabuza to us they probably saw that.”

“Oh right” in an attempt to stand out a bit less Naruto shrunk to his human form, he flexed the new right arm he had. “Is it weird to say I liked the old arm better?”

“I’ll let you know once I get a new lung” Sasuke was still very much dying. “Well. If.”

“Any chance you learned a trick for healing him?” Haku had already begun trying form a wolf for travel, thanks to the pillar of flame there wasn’t a lot of moisture to work with.

“I’ll ask” Naruto held his two hands together and closed his eyes.

“We really put it all on the line for a bit of weirdo.”

“At least he didn’t stab me in the lung.”

“I’m not sorry about it, you would’ve done the same in my shoes.”

“Sure thing daddy issues.”

“Nope!” Naruto interrupted the fight that was about to start.

Haku looked him over, without some Naruto based miracle his chances didn’t look good. He could only assume someone was headed towards them now, meaning they couldn’t sit around much longer. Something had to be done.

“Sasuke, do you trust me?”

“You stabbed me in the lung.”

“Listen, I can try and stop you from dying, but you’ll have to trust me. We will come back for you.”

“Well” he spat out some blood. “Given the odds, why not. If you don’t come back, I’ll be mad.”

“I know, Naruto start moving, I’ll follow you in a bit.” 

“But wha-”

“Trust me.”

With a nod he started down the mountain leaving the two of them alone. Haku had a lot of things he wanted to say to him, their history was nothing if not colorful. Instead of any words, he leaned down and gave him one last kiss.

“Knew it” Sasuke smirked at him as he prepared to leave, his lips turning blue.

Haku followed after Naruto, he could feel the magic start to take effect behind him. Ice began to grow from Sasuke’s body, it was slow at first. Just covering him and some of the ground around him. It did not take long for its growth to speed up, as large icicles began to shoot upwards. By the time Haku reunited with Naruto at the bottom of the mountain it hard formed a block he could see from there.

“If we’re lucky people might get distracted by that and give us a head start.”

"We'll see him again right?" Naruto watched the ice grow, his heart heavy.

"Of course we will."

**Author's Note:**

> If you're reading this: Welcome!!!!!! If you've read my other stories: You know I'm a shithead who updates kind of inconsistently! I'm deeply sorry for this, but I also work a ton so I'm doing my best!


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